On the Way to the Club

Wow, it feels weird to have to work! I had five days training this week, as I have joined the pride of Tesco's Phone Shop. I won't start until Sept 9th when the phone shop opens. Come to me for all your contract needs, yeah fuckers? (That's how I speak to all my customers.) I am very tired after all the information we had to intake at once, considering since June 16th when I finished my exams, I have literally done sod-all. I have eaten a lot of pizza, watched too much football and gone out a couple of times! I am either a loser or I'm just lazy. Either one will not get me 'sexy time' any time soon. Brilliant. 


As I am so tired, I couldn't be fucked to go out tonight properly. Someone invited me to go to a club. The title of this blog is another Blur song, and I thought fitting in a slightly ironic sense... for I am not on the way to the club, and this brings me to my main topic that I will be ranting about in my usual brilliant style. I am brilliant, despite nobody recognising it yet. If you want to show how much you love me, just post on my wall on face book when it's my birthday so it looks like you give a damn about me, when really you just noticed face book was bugging you by shouting through the screen "It's James Wallis' Birthday, I know you hate him, but as you're not doing anything GO WISH HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" Yes, don't do it really, because I'm not bothered, I was making a side point about how stupid that social action is. 


As I was saying before I got distracted by another thing in this miserable existence that angers the hell out of me. Clubs and bars, god they're shit. Don't even try and justify that you have a good night because the only reason you do is because of alcohol. Can you imagine if they had a no alcohol night? People would die of boredom. If you need alcohol to have a good night out, something is seriously wrong with your life. Now, I'm not a completely against alcohol, I do quite fancy the odd drink or two down the local pub. However, getting so wasted that you either pass out or throw up over that girl you were failing to chat up isn't my idea of a good time.


Also, why would you want to be in that position? If you're so drunk that you're not really aware of what's going on, so many bad things can happen. I've got five choice examples for you. *


1) You get butt fucked


You may laugh, but it could happen to you. You're out with 'the lads', you get so drunk that you don't even know who's who. Before you know it, Steve from Norwich, who's a little bit lonely, has led you outside "To let you get air" and before you know it, he's pulling down your trousers....well you can fill in the details for yourself. 


2) You say something really stupid or offensive


People who are drunk will do two things, say the truth or just chat shit. What if you don't really like someone from school? You see them out, and your brain says "My reason has shut down." Your mouth says "OY, You're a fucking cock!" Then you laugh while they slowly stumble away, too drunk to cry. They'll remember, and your excuse if they bring it up? I was drunk...nice one. 


3) You throw up/pass out


Alcohol, especially if you can't handle it, will make you throw up or pass out. The worst is when you do both! Imagine lying in your own sick. Or if you're with a friend, lying in someone else's. Add to the fact in the dark you look like an oddly shaped urinal. Have someone piss all over your stinking, inebriated body sounds like a right laugh.


4) You'll do something you regret


Either you'll make out with someone you don't know, fuck someone you don't know or worst case scenario do either of those when you're in a relationship. Being drunk is not a good excuse ass hole. And don't get so drunk that you can't say "Back off bitch/you bastard" (Change based on gender.


5) You get lost on the way home


This may not seem that serious, but if you can't find your way home, you'll be walking for ages because you can't co-ordinate the right route because your short term memory has been blown up with an alcohol overload. Before you know it a 'taxi' picks you up. Next thing, you're in the river because that 'taxi' was actually a random serial killer. We won't mourn your passing, people will just call you stupid. 


So now we've established that alcohol could get you killed...it's also bloody expensive. I know people who go out almost every night, get pissed off their head. With that money they've spent on alcohol, they could have bought a mortgage. People complain about house prices, they're not expensive, just all people are alcoholics. Also, if you work it out, you get so drunk (which costs you a bomb) you won't pay attention to where your money is. Unless you're constantly checking (which makes you look like a tight wad) you will loose a couple of quid. Add that up over the nights you go out, you're out of a tenner a week. 


Now, before you all laugh at me for being a prude. I don't mind drinking in moderation. I can also understand why it can be useful to loosen up those who are quite shy. That doesn't mean that you have to do it in excess or regularly! Also, has anyone told you that you look like a massive twat when dancing like that?


That's another point I wanted to come onto. Dancing with girls/boys. (Though this point mainly applies to males.) One of the top reasons I constantly hear as to why people go out is on the off chance they meet someone. Be realistic. Girls at clubs are either, not interested, taken or sleep around so much (their choice) that you will get an S.T.D without fail! I suppose I just want to meet a lovely girl, is that too much to ask? I don't want to have to go out five times a week, get so intoxicated that I can't speak properly and spend all my money buying some random girl a drink in the hope I get laid. Knowing me, you may not believe this, but I don't class sex as that important that I'll engage in a twisted ritual to be able to perform the act. Just save up the money you didn't spend on alcohol to buy a escort. Sure, the money's still gone but the sex will be better and your liver won't be fucked! 


To summarise. Clubs and alcohol are both fine in moderation. Yet, if you want to always be drunk, go out all the time or end up so drunk you never remember the night before (or who the person in your bed is) then you need to be punched in the face for being an absolute moron. I'm not going clubbing, but I know you are, you conformist fuck so you know what you can do?


Go away. 


*All five of these have happened to me at least once