I am angry and pissed off so shut your bloody pie hole and listen up! Today I'm going to talk about safety procedures and various other warnings that make me think "God, are we that stupid as a nation?" A small example of this is, the other day I bought a milkshake and it genuinely read on the bottle "Open by hand" Thanks for that advice. I was planning to open it with my head. Just smack down my massive forehead on the bottle and hope for the best!
Seriously Britain, sort it out. Why are we so obsessed with health and safety? If you're that much of an idiot and don't have what we tend to call 'common sense', then you deserve to be hurt. We have everything from signs on doors telling you to watch your step, in front of steps, or a label on a snickers 'May contain nuts.' Don't patronise us, let us figure it out using what's left of our slowly decaying brains.
I'm aware that some labels or signs are perfectly useful but some are just bloody unnecessary. When you get on a train, they tell you to mind the gap. Use your eyes. When you go to the supermarket and go in the restaurant bit and it says "surface is hot." Well of course it is, they're keeping the food hot? It's insulting, that's what it is.
I mean, what is the obsession with safety and health anyway? If a couple of people fall down a hole because there wasn't a sign that said 'Watch out for the hole' it's their fault! It gets rid of some of the stupid people and cuts down on our overpopulated nation! Double bonus. Cheers all round. Excessive safety isn't my only problem, I also have an issue with our obsession with health. That's why I chose the song 'Fuck Tha Police' by N.W.A, fuck tha HEALTH police. If your kid is a little tubby, big deal! Jamie Oliver can shut up. He appears to be doing good when really he's ruining children's lives. That's what being a child is all about! You can eat all the jammy dodgems, stuff them in your gob, salivating everywhere and not have to worry one little bit. Yet they seem surprised when the children's parents started handing burgers through the school gates? It's called a free country...so let them be free. If they want to eat ten carrots, they can! If they want to eat ten doughnuts, they can! If they want to fuck a donkey, the- *cough* sorry, got carried away there.
Part of this health obsession is disguised as a way of keeping the country going. Wrong. In the words of Steve Hughes (an Australian stand up comedian) "It's a form of control." Maybe that sounds like paranoia, but I agree with him. It's a way of making us look good as a nation. Look how much our kids exercise! Look how gorgeous and THIN they are. That's my biggest problem with it. What's wrong with being fat? If you're happy, you can be whatever size and shape you want.
Body image has been a constant insecurity and it needs to stop. You need to love your body and be happy with how you are. I began this blog complaining about health and safety regulations, but it's all part of it. As a government, don't talk down to us. Don't tell us every fucking time we go anywhere "Watch out for this!" "Open that this way." Let us use common sense and get on with our lives without you blinding us with bright yellow regulations every ten minutes. Then, as we're now safe, stop telling us what to eat and when, if I want to eat until I throw up all over the sign that says "Surface is hot" then let me dammit!
If you haven't thrown up and all that food has gone to your gut, don't feel bad, don't be upset. Be happy with how you are. If you're upset with your body then change it yourself. But don't actively follow Jamie Oliver's School Dinners guide. Kids love crap, that's why they're so stupid. They buy into anything that is rubbish. Kids would eat gravel if you painted it like Spongebob's face. (The coolest cartoon character ever, fact.) O, and by the way, don't try and twist that and say "If they didn't eat crap, they wouldn't be stupid" because they still would! They love lollipops and cream covered cakes. They don't want broccoli. So why bother preaching to the wrong crowd? It's too much effort and money. Pay Jamie Oliver to do condom adverts, which we definitely need more of. OR, better still. Get Jamie Oliver to do an all you can eat contest every day of the week and then when he's fat show how happy he is, gurgling and wiggling in his armchair.
The point I'm trying to make is that we do not need safety signs or little helpful messages telling us how to perform basic actions. I know most of us are thick, me included, but we're not complete morons. Second, stop worrying about how much kids eat. Worst case scenario, we all get so fat that we die of heart attacks at 22 and the the population of England drops to 10 million. If not, the kids are happy, Jamie Oliver's not on the telly which is great, and people are just happy with how they are. What more can you ask for? The idiots gone, everybody happy and television programmes improved significantly. I think I've made my point.
Now go away.
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