Clampdown

Hello you beer guzzling socialites. I love starting out with something rude...it grabs the reader's attention. "Hey, what did he call me?" you think. Then you read on, seeing if I'll insult you anymore, because you're all wrapped up in your own world. Who's number one? That's right you. Okay, all sarcasm out of the way, let's get this piece of shit started.


Today I'd like to talk about the environment. "Eugghh" I hear you groan. But bear with me. I want to talk primarily about overpopulation. But firstly, I want to talk about the problems with being a teenager. Getting the obvious out the way, peer pressure, hormones, exams, school, physical insecurities (I think that covers most of the angsts teens seem to experience). The main annoyance for me is being a little naive about the world. I'm talking about this idealistic view almost all teenagers with any moral compass experience. The recent horrific tragedy in Haiti is a very good example (despite being a horrible event of human tragedy.)


Every single day we see more and more pictures of suffering and woe. We stand there and a surge of emotion rises up. We think, "Yes! WE CAN DO SOMETHING...let's go help these people!" Take a second for rational thought. No...you can't do something. Chances are, you don't have a well-paid job. Even if you get a decent amount of money, let's face it, you need it for yourself...especially with University on the horizon. We are all aware of how much Uni costs...three and half thousand pounds a year at least, and that's tuition alone. So money is out of the question to donate to this cause. "Every little helps!" I hear you cry. Not a whole lot. A stupid amount of money isn't getting through. So what can you do now? Volunteer! Yes, let's all skip our A-Level exams and go help out a cause. That's great...but are you so willing to sacrifice your future to help others? I wouldn't...and I'm not a bastard, I'm just being rational. 


The point I'm really trying to make is that a lot in the world is out of our control. Yet, for whatever reasons, hormones, passion, youth, we all feel we can do something to change it. We post statuses on facebook, we make groups to rally people, we hold demonstrations...and for what end? Have you got rid of all the nuclear weaponry, have you ended poverty, have you stopped the war in Iraq? No, of course you haven't. You're one human being who in the grand scheme of things has no real impact on human history. Sorry to break it to you. 


I'll bet almost all of you are disgusted at this point with me. You think I'm being far too pessimistic. "James, it's people like you which are why these problems still exist!" No...it's not, because alas my friends...I am one of you. I have some ideas about the environment, and population as a whole...but none of them are feasible or even good enough to work. I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. Overpopulation is one of my biggest concerns. Normally, I'd put a video at the end of the blog. However, it's necessary to sum up why I'm worried about it, even if it is humourous. 


Doug Stanhope

I know most of my videos are normally just a nice addition. But watch this one first before I continue. Don't read on to see where I'm going with this...just watch.


Right, assuming you've watched it...I'll continue.


As Doug put it, beautifully I might add, the news is like an old whore. It's meant to be there for the hard facts, but sometimes it tells you what you want. If it didn't, do you know what would happen? We'd commit mass suicide. The news is seriously a lot worse than they let on...they only tell you what is absolutely necessary to know. It's why they tell you that you can do something, with those pointless tips like "switching off a light when you leave a room." This isn't a wacko conspiracy theory, it's actual fact...so shush. 
It's also why they have such crap stories like "Little Timothy the Barn Owl is here with his owner John....tell us John, how much food does this little guy eat?" It's not a "slow news day"...it's just to put you off the horrifying truth of what's out there. There's so much bad news that happens every day, we'd all give up on life if we listened or saw all of it. The happy chappy news, as I call it. It's like a drug...to soothe our worries and calm our nerves. By the way, this theory on the news is something I just thought up. I have not heard it any where else...so I'm trademarking it now. Just like I had to trademark the phrase 


"Rooney's more on fire than the sex from that Kings of Leon song" ™ ©


"James' theory on the news ploy to keep us happy" ™ © That should keep you away. 


Back to the main point. Overpopulation is a real issue, and here's how I'd deal with it. Firstly, you have to decide as a nation what you want, death by natural causes or facist control on birth rate?


Swine flu was meant to be a scary pandemic. We were all meant to die. But we didn't. This is because the genius of mankind stopped it. Yay! We're saved! No...we're really not. Do you not realise how nature works? Swine flu was there to kill of some of the population. We stopped it...so give it a few years. Something a LOT worse will come along and kill of more of us. We can't allow ourselves to continue breeding, or "fuck in the fronthole" any more. It creates too many people for this planet to sustain. By 2060, the world's population will have doubled if we keep going at this rate. Worried about immigration? How about you stop reproducing. (I'm not part of the problem, nobody wants to sleep with me, so it's fine.) 


This is what I mean by deciding. Either we let people die or we start using more condoms. Now, this is where it gets unrealistic. Do you think the British government will even consider "doing a China" and restrict how many children per family? Of course not. We're meant to be a country of free people. 


How about letting people die off from diseases that spread naturally? Rationally, you might not have a problem with it. But what if it's your nan who gets the next disease? Or your sister, or your mum? I doubt you'll be content with the government saying "Sorry, we have to let them die, helps out the population issue." What to do eh? Well, when I establish my Reich...here's my plans:


Stop reading Heat, it's not Okay to read OK! (happy Kester?), Take a Break and realise that magazine is garbage. Puns aside, you may think these are the "small steps" that won't help, but let me continue. If we stop people reading these...and slowly but surely drag away from this media culture we live in, we will be much better off. Read something political, or historical or full or art, whatever takes your fancy. Who cares if you want to read about Alex Reed and Jordan's wedding? This is for the good of mankind dammit! If people begin thinking more rationally and understand the world a bit more, we might get to the point where they stop having so many children. Do you know who has the most kids? Thick people and Catholics. Catholics don't use contraception, but we can't fix that one. Why do thick people have so many kids? Think about it. You drop out of school at 16. You have low GCSEs, chances are you don't have much of a future. You want to feel some worth, some real responsibility. You have a baby...it makes you feel that you're doing something good, and hey, it makes you money right? Then you have another...and before you know it, you've got four kids...generally from four different fathers. Men who are thick are not known for their sensitivity and care. Perhaps I'm generalising, but I don't think I'm completely wrong. 


The end point is that overpopulation is what we need to fix. The war in Iraq will end when it does, poverty isn't solvable in ten or even twenty years. Instead of getting so emotional over what we can't change...get emotional over what will kill us if we don't stop it. I want you to go out now, and spread this message....or just stop using you johnson. 


The song by the way is a single by The Clash. It was very hard to find a song that was the epitome of the point I was making (hardly surprising). But this particular song is about Idealism and Youth. Something that I hold which I love and hate at the same time.


To end on a light hearted note...it's half term. If you're on the cultural visit, I hope you had a lovely time...and all of you enjoy the week off.


Now go away.