1984

Hello all who are reading this. I hope you've had an excellent week. If you're not reading this, you're missing out and you're a fool. Luckily, you're not reading this so you can't be offended ;) This blog posting today will be about an event that many of you are aware of by now. I am indeed attending the Big Brother auditions this Sunday. I am rather excited, assuming I make it! I have school work to do tomorrow, and then I'm working at Remix 6pm-1am...so I might not even be able to force myself to get up! Anyway, assuming all goes as planned I will be queuing with the thousands of other desperate wackos wanting to get on the final ever show. I thought I'd use this blog to tell you why I reckon I have a good shot of getting on, and what I'll do if I get a place. The blog title is quite appropriate, a wonderful song by David Bowie from his Diamond Dogs album, it is of course the George Orwell novel '1984' that the idea behind Big Brother came from. Read that book, not now, I want you to read this...but sometime soon.


Ok, let's start out by saying how I plan to play it on Sunday. What makes me any better than the other candidates? (Apart from my natural wit, my intelligence and charm?) Just kidding...I'm just trying the arrogant thing, it seems to work for Big Brother. They really like absolute bastards who don't mind getting booed, who in fact thrive off of it. I will start out by pointing out this is the last Big Brother ever. Why is this? (I'll ask rhetorically). It's because their ratings have basically been in the shitter for the last few years. They just don't grab people's attention like they used to. I'll ask why? (again, rhetorically). It's because they have only been using people of lower intelligence than your basic frog. These people are chosen because they're easy to exploit, but if they want ratings to shoot up, they need to get someone in there who'll raise the controversy, spark up debates, and of course manage to structure a sentence that is longer than ten words. That's my job, I'll point out happily. I'll add in quickly I'm not an egomaniac. I am generally sweet natured. I will give the example of the time I offered a Jehova's witness a cup of tea. (Tip, don't do the same for a Mormon ;) ). Normally people tell them to fuck right off! I'll tell a few jokes, but only those that come naturally. I'll emphasise I'm funny, but in a situational kind of way rather than "A man walks into a bar...ouch" sort of way. I'll make sure to compliment them, and not make myself feel like a ass kisser. I'm not sure how the interview actually works, but I will finish it by pointing out I'm not all that bothered if they reject me, I, unlike most saps have a planned future, and this is just something I wanted to "try". They'll bloody love me. (Or think I'm so up my own arse I should go out to find out there's another world that isn't my rectum.) Apologies for that graphic description.


Now, imagine (laughably) I am accepted on to the show. I'm actually pretty sure the show is filmed in June, so it clashes with my exams...but still, let's forget that for a second. What do I intend to do to win? Let's face it, nobody goes in there to be 5th or 3rd...they are there to win, like at most things in life...without succeeding, it'll feel like you've wasted your time. My first strategy will be to do what I do naturally anyway. Charm my bloody arse off. I will care about people, I won't bitch and I'll attempt to get to know people in a manner that suits me. This will hopefully give me a few weeks free of being nominated. I will be genuine however, and tell people what I think of them (in a diplomatic sense.) 


My next tactic will be to win over public affection. I'll be truly heartwarming to the diary room camera. Every time I walk in, I'll be honest "Look Big Brother, not interested in talking to you today, I want to talk to..._____ (friend or family name here). I am not an avid fan of the show, as you might have guessed, but I do wonder why nobody has ever worked that out? The Diary room is a gateway to the British public. 


Once I have got on good terms with most, there will be those who outright frustrate me. My method will be to set them up for a heated argument (as promised), but hopefully destroy them with my quick thinking and oratory skills. Not only will this reflect them in a horrible light, it'll make me feel a whole lot better. Those who remain that I do like, I will ask thought provoking questions, and again simply show that I genuinely care about them as people, and their ideas...even if they are delivered in an awful manner.


Last but not least, I did promise funny didn't I? My ace in the hole is something I am sure will be edited out. It's not hugely original, but dammit it's funny. You know, when I'm in the Diary Room. There are sixty million people in the United Kingdom. Chances are, one of them will be spanking the monkey so to speak. Some dirty men cannot resist it. Anything turns them on. A curvy melon, a bit of thigh in a shot...some dirty talk. So I plan to deliver. I will be honest and sincere. "Come on big boy, I know you're at home, just jerking it off. I hope I'm not distracting you...pretend I'm Megan Fox, go on, do it. Just keep going, almost there." Then I'll flick my head back. "Ooof, right in the eye, nice shot." Then wink seductively. If the thought of me doing that doesn't make you crack up, I don't know what will. And for those who know me well enough, I'll stick with the old fashioned, saying whatever comes into my head, even if it's awful, approach to my comedy. A recent example being when I made a crack about two thirteen year old girls...."Put them together, they're twenty six, so it's ok." Ok, not so funny...
Don't worry I have lots more ;) 


I'll also perhaps use the house to really stimulate hot topics, such as the Inquiry of Blair, or the Pope's recent attack of the equality laws. Then again, maybe I'm aiming too high, let's just ask "How much in love is Jordan with Alex Reed? Very much...or only quite?" This will work extra well as he won the last one...see I know my Big Brother trivia too!


That's really all I have for you this week. I think this blog posting was well timed and well thought out, despite making me come across as a superficial, over-confident turd face. I hope you all enjoy your weekend and the following week, and I hope I do too! If you have anything else I should do for my audition, or while in the house, comment below...
I leave you with an unrelated yet hilarious video. 


'Average Homeboy'

Now go away.