Hello "peeps". (I have always hated that term, heads up, never use it in my presence.) You're really quite lucky to get this blog. (Or unlucky if you hate reading the bile I type up each week without fail, and wish for once I typed something so filled with cheer and goodwill that Santa exploded and Christmas was put to one side, and my blog was celebrated instead.) I'll tell you why. Today, I had a full packed day, lessons, in-class support and then a two hour drama rehearsal after school. I'm so knackered, I just want to sleep. (The blog title says it all, a song by The Beatles). But no, I have to go to work in about an hour...that's right, I'm working tonight, 8:00pm until 4:30am. So next time you even think about complaining on facebook, "(Your stupid name here) has to go to work :/ No fun!" Try being me bitches. Right, now that's out the way.
The main area this blog entry will be looking at is celebrity culture, and in particular, celebrity deaths. "Bu-bu-this is really unoriginal!" I hear you cry. Well guess what, I'm tired and in a stressed out mood, so fuck you. (I'm so so sorry...please don't go.) Firstly, I am a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to celebrity deaths. When Jade Goody died, I wasn't phased. Even when Michael Jackson died, I was just like "meh." I never understood why people got so upset? Yes, Jade Goody had cancer. It was a horrible thing for her to have to go through. But last time I checked, she hadn't really done a whole lot of good and secondly, people didn't know her? People didn't know Michael Jackson that well, yet it seemed a real tragedy to them...
That's my first complaint. Why do we have so much focus on celebrity lives? Let's face it, almost anyone's a celebrity now. You basically just have to show your bum on the news and your practically a national fucking hero. Heat and Ok! printing out reams of interview questions. "What made you do it?" "Why is your bum so attractive to women?" "What is the man like, behind the bum?" (or in front of it.) We care so much about other people's lives...it leads to so many social problems, stupidity, being judgemental, unnecessary devotion. I don't really have time to go into all the issues it brings...but there's lots, trust me.
To me, a celebrity is somebody who's contributed a real amount to society. This is when my hypocrisy kicks in. Paul Newman sadly died in 2008. Not only was he a real treasure to the acting world, he was an unbelievably good man. He gave so much money to charity. He created his own brand name and corporation 'Newman's Own', all profits of which went to charity. *Wikipedia check* It's made two hundred and eighty million since August 2009...that's bloody mental. He also was known for being truly fond and committed to his family. He had celebrated (or was coming close to) his 50th wedding anniversary to his wife Joanne Woodward. Not many people can say they will do this in their lifetime. (My Grandparents have, which gives me some hope.) He was once asked about his wife and his devotion. He stated "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?" I was truly moved when he died...but that last quote brings me nicely around to another issue.
This section is the most unoriginal as it has been raved about by everyone, to the man in the pub, to Adrian Chiles on The One Show. I am talking about the John Terry affair, and shortly before, Tiger Wood's infedelity. Now, I ask you this. Why does it matter so much? They've both done what most people have at least thought about. Love is hard. Being committed all the time is damn hard. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, I'm being realistic. I'm not condoning it, just saying that perhaps we should give them a break. Before you explode with frustration at my naivety, I am aware as to why it's important to punish Terry. His dickish move (get it?) greatly affected things for the status quo of the England team. But at the core, I personally don't think his or Tiger's personal life should have any affect on your or my opinion of them.
In the fifties, Elia Kazan (director of On the Waterfront, which you should all watch) blacklisted a number of people during the McCarthy era as Communists. He then recieved, later on obviously, the Lifetime Achievement award for contribution. This was seen as controversial because of his own previous actions. I don't think it mattered that he blacklisted people. I don't think it was a good thing to do, but it didn't affect the quality of his films, just as Tiger is one of the best golfers, no matter who he screws and Terry is still a mediocre defender ;) Now, I defend Woods, because, like Newman, I truly respect him as a person. This is why I'm such a bloody bastard. I will complain until I'm blue in the face if somebody mentions how sad it was that (generic name) was voted off Big Brother. Yet when somebody like Newman dies, or they get a bad rep in the press, I'll defend them whole heartedly. Maybe I'm a bad person, but then maybe I've just got my priorities sorted. I simply wish for a time when people didn't care so much. If we didn't care so much about other people's lives, we certainly wouldn't have people being dubbed 'celebrity' at the drop of a hat.
At the end of this all...we haven't changed anything (as usual), and I'm far too tired to go into depth. So I'll leave you with this. A charming video of Lionel Jeffries singing in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He died very recently, (last Friday I believe), and once again, I was truly upset...despite not knowing the old codger. But at least he'd really done something great.
Lionel Jeffries
I also leave you with the recommendation to read "My French Whore" by Gene Wilder. (It's that guy who played Willy Wonka ok?) Another man who I won't want to see leave us. I Hope you enjoy your weekend, and you'd better not hope I'm not dead tomorrow morning with fatigue (it'll be your fault, making me follow this blog schedule.)
Now go away.
Friday, 26 February 2010
I'm So Tired
Labels:
Beatles,
Celebrity,
Charity,
Death,
Fatigue,
Gene Wilder,
Infidelity,
Lionel Jeffries,
Paul Newman,
Personal
Friday, 19 February 2010
Take Me Out
Hello all you single people. I don't mean in a without a significant other. I just mean you as individuals. Yet it was Valentines Day last Sunday. I hope you've all had a really good half term, except those who went on the Cultural Visit. I couldn't go due to lack of funds, so I thought I'd be spiteful. How do you like them apples? I was going to try another "chirpy" blog but I needed to get down a good old rant about one of the most abysmal television shows I have ever seen. It also coincides quite nicely as this show is about dating (valentine's day eh? I do all this thinking and planning for you guys.) Another bonus (if you can call it that considering how dire the show was) is it shares the same name as a song by Franz Ferdinand that I quite like. Saves me time hunting around for a suitable title for the blog.
The basic premise is this. You take one single, desperate guy and place him in front of thirty equally desperate women. It consists of three rounds in which the women decide if they want to date him. How do they decide? I hear you ask, dying to know. Well, they just have a button and they press it if they don't like him...simple and a stupid idea and that's what ITV do so well. The first round is purely based on what the men look like and how they enter the room from an unnecessary lift. What happened to the old walking through some doors? I understand how good first impressions are, but frankly, it's absurd to judge someone like that when referring to dating. One word I'll be overusing is degrading. That's what the whole show is. If you went on it, just imagine how awful you'd feel if you came away with absolutely nothing..., and it would already add to your low confidence from being single.
One guy, who was basically a cheap version of Spike from Buffy, got zilch. They all turned their lights off after two rounds. He was a bit of a prick but I mean, even the fat chick turned her light off...you know things are bad when fat people don't fancy you. I'm being ironic of course. Looks can matter, but they should never be a deciding factor. I'm going to slip in a Martin Luther King quote, that's almost relevent. "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. " The second and third round aren't as judgemental....well they are, but at least it's on a basis of something. They alternate between the rounds, either it being show off a talent and then we'll watch a video of people saying why you're amazing or vice versa with the video first. I feel pity for these men being rejected but then again, when one of them had the talent of impersonating Tom Cruise you know all hope is lost.
The talent section is a problem in itself. Talents are cool, but it's rare a woman will be turned on by the many talents we all have. My main talent is either my knowledge of films or my reading of any monologue from a dramatic piece of work. "O yea baby, that makes me hot." The only time they'll say that is if they're mocking me in a sarcastic tone. Basically, you're not going to meet many guys who can win a woman over with a thirty second talent. Unless of course it's pulling down their trousers and saying "good enough?" Try that next time you're in a bar, it might just work.
The video round isn't great either. Sometimes your friends/family will say things that are meant with good intention but make you look like a prat. One bloke's mother openly admitted "he's a bit of a mummy's boy." She probably meant he is kind and caring of his mother, a very good virtue. To thick people, i.e. those on the show, it sounds like she's saying he relies on her to do stuff for him and is a bit of a pussy. Not an admirable quality by anyone's standards.
At the end the women with their lights left on are the ones left to be chosen by the guy and he can only have one. This is where the degradation flips round. The final guy on the one and only episode I watched had about ten women left. He had to first narrow it down to two. And if that wasn't bad enough, he then picks between the two. They all cheer and boo and try and win him over, it's an entertainment show innit? But deep down, those women are crying at once again not being picked over. I did call them desperate but in that moment I wanted to take all those women out to dinner, just to make them feel special and loved. Everyone needs love.
The show seems to deliberately set itself up to fail. All those rounds are no way to ever judge whether or not you want to date someone. It's quite one sided, i.e. why are there no single women to choose between thirty guys? Patrick McGuinness clearly thinks all one big joke and doesn't take it too seriously at all. He also always says "Last week, we set up ____ (girl's name here) and a prick (well it's a guy...but they're almost all pricks...why they're still single!) let's see how they got on!" Then it has a lovely story of their date but how they've decided to not date again. Apparently they don't click and there's no chemistry. What a surprise. Admittedly, one in five may work out, but is that great statistics on a show who's only goal is to match people up? I don't think so.
I want to end with a story with a message, completely unrelated. It's not a good story, and the message may make you want to poke your eyes out, but this is my blog so I'll write whatever I want ok bud? I tidied my room this half term. During the process I discovered numerous revision books and revision cards and other help sheets. I also found a number of old toys or books and it made me realise what a bastard I am. I'm not being comical here or looking for sympathy. I really am a bastard. The amount my family (including my grandparents etc.) have done in order to help me pass my various exams and in general to make me happy. At the core of it, I've always got by on a wing and a prayer. I have never ever used this help and never appreciated it either. I always argue and joke and pretend I'm going to be fine. But unless I sort it out, I won't be. So next time your parents demand you do that essay or ask you what homework you have this weekend, don't be a bastard. Turn and help them out, and in turn you'll be helping yourself. I don't want to sound too cliched, but your parents are doing it all for your own good. And they know a lot more than you, mine certainly do. They also will love you unconditionally. Nobody else will give you that. So don't be a bastard, change today ok?
I think that's it for this week. I'm afraid I don't have a suitable video. I was going to give you a clip from the show, but I don't want that shit in my blog. I gave you a quote so stop whining. I'm off to the pub soon, and then Footloose is on Film 4 in celebration of the eighties. I think you should all watch it, it's Kevin Bacon and dancing. What more can you want?
Now go away.
The basic premise is this. You take one single, desperate guy and place him in front of thirty equally desperate women. It consists of three rounds in which the women decide if they want to date him. How do they decide? I hear you ask, dying to know. Well, they just have a button and they press it if they don't like him...simple and a stupid idea and that's what ITV do so well. The first round is purely based on what the men look like and how they enter the room from an unnecessary lift. What happened to the old walking through some doors? I understand how good first impressions are, but frankly, it's absurd to judge someone like that when referring to dating. One word I'll be overusing is degrading. That's what the whole show is. If you went on it, just imagine how awful you'd feel if you came away with absolutely nothing..., and it would already add to your low confidence from being single.
One guy, who was basically a cheap version of Spike from Buffy, got zilch. They all turned their lights off after two rounds. He was a bit of a prick but I mean, even the fat chick turned her light off...you know things are bad when fat people don't fancy you. I'm being ironic of course. Looks can matter, but they should never be a deciding factor. I'm going to slip in a Martin Luther King quote, that's almost relevent. "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. " The second and third round aren't as judgemental....well they are, but at least it's on a basis of something. They alternate between the rounds, either it being show off a talent and then we'll watch a video of people saying why you're amazing or vice versa with the video first. I feel pity for these men being rejected but then again, when one of them had the talent of impersonating Tom Cruise you know all hope is lost.
The talent section is a problem in itself. Talents are cool, but it's rare a woman will be turned on by the many talents we all have. My main talent is either my knowledge of films or my reading of any monologue from a dramatic piece of work. "O yea baby, that makes me hot." The only time they'll say that is if they're mocking me in a sarcastic tone. Basically, you're not going to meet many guys who can win a woman over with a thirty second talent. Unless of course it's pulling down their trousers and saying "good enough?" Try that next time you're in a bar, it might just work.
The video round isn't great either. Sometimes your friends/family will say things that are meant with good intention but make you look like a prat. One bloke's mother openly admitted "he's a bit of a mummy's boy." She probably meant he is kind and caring of his mother, a very good virtue. To thick people, i.e. those on the show, it sounds like she's saying he relies on her to do stuff for him and is a bit of a pussy. Not an admirable quality by anyone's standards.
At the end the women with their lights left on are the ones left to be chosen by the guy and he can only have one. This is where the degradation flips round. The final guy on the one and only episode I watched had about ten women left. He had to first narrow it down to two. And if that wasn't bad enough, he then picks between the two. They all cheer and boo and try and win him over, it's an entertainment show innit? But deep down, those women are crying at once again not being picked over. I did call them desperate but in that moment I wanted to take all those women out to dinner, just to make them feel special and loved. Everyone needs love.
The show seems to deliberately set itself up to fail. All those rounds are no way to ever judge whether or not you want to date someone. It's quite one sided, i.e. why are there no single women to choose between thirty guys? Patrick McGuinness clearly thinks all one big joke and doesn't take it too seriously at all. He also always says "Last week, we set up ____ (girl's name here) and a prick (well it's a guy...but they're almost all pricks...why they're still single!) let's see how they got on!" Then it has a lovely story of their date but how they've decided to not date again. Apparently they don't click and there's no chemistry. What a surprise. Admittedly, one in five may work out, but is that great statistics on a show who's only goal is to match people up? I don't think so.
I want to end with a story with a message, completely unrelated. It's not a good story, and the message may make you want to poke your eyes out, but this is my blog so I'll write whatever I want ok bud? I tidied my room this half term. During the process I discovered numerous revision books and revision cards and other help sheets. I also found a number of old toys or books and it made me realise what a bastard I am. I'm not being comical here or looking for sympathy. I really am a bastard. The amount my family (including my grandparents etc.) have done in order to help me pass my various exams and in general to make me happy. At the core of it, I've always got by on a wing and a prayer. I have never ever used this help and never appreciated it either. I always argue and joke and pretend I'm going to be fine. But unless I sort it out, I won't be. So next time your parents demand you do that essay or ask you what homework you have this weekend, don't be a bastard. Turn and help them out, and in turn you'll be helping yourself. I don't want to sound too cliched, but your parents are doing it all for your own good. And they know a lot more than you, mine certainly do. They also will love you unconditionally. Nobody else will give you that. So don't be a bastard, change today ok?
I think that's it for this week. I'm afraid I don't have a suitable video. I was going to give you a clip from the show, but I don't want that shit in my blog. I gave you a quote so stop whining. I'm off to the pub soon, and then Footloose is on Film 4 in celebration of the eighties. I think you should all watch it, it's Kevin Bacon and dancing. What more can you want?
Now go away.
Labels:
Dating,
Franz Ferdinand,
Half Term,
Parents,
Self-Esteem,
Television,
Valentine's Day
Friday, 12 February 2010
Clampdown
Hello you beer guzzling socialites. I love starting out with something rude...it grabs the reader's attention. "Hey, what did he call me?" you think. Then you read on, seeing if I'll insult you anymore, because you're all wrapped up in your own world. Who's number one? That's right you. Okay, all sarcasm out of the way, let's get this piece of shit started.
Today I'd like to talk about the environment. "Eugghh" I hear you groan. But bear with me. I want to talk primarily about overpopulation. But firstly, I want to talk about the problems with being a teenager. Getting the obvious out the way, peer pressure, hormones, exams, school, physical insecurities (I think that covers most of the angsts teens seem to experience). The main annoyance for me is being a little naive about the world. I'm talking about this idealistic view almost all teenagers with any moral compass experience. The recent horrific tragedy in Haiti is a very good example (despite being a horrible event of human tragedy.)
Every single day we see more and more pictures of suffering and woe. We stand there and a surge of emotion rises up. We think, "Yes! WE CAN DO SOMETHING...let's go help these people!" Take a second for rational thought. No...you can't do something. Chances are, you don't have a well-paid job. Even if you get a decent amount of money, let's face it, you need it for yourself...especially with University on the horizon. We are all aware of how much Uni costs...three and half thousand pounds a year at least, and that's tuition alone. So money is out of the question to donate to this cause. "Every little helps!" I hear you cry. Not a whole lot. A stupid amount of money isn't getting through. So what can you do now? Volunteer! Yes, let's all skip our A-Level exams and go help out a cause. That's great...but are you so willing to sacrifice your future to help others? I wouldn't...and I'm not a bastard, I'm just being rational.
The point I'm really trying to make is that a lot in the world is out of our control. Yet, for whatever reasons, hormones, passion, youth, we all feel we can do something to change it. We post statuses on facebook, we make groups to rally people, we hold demonstrations...and for what end? Have you got rid of all the nuclear weaponry, have you ended poverty, have you stopped the war in Iraq? No, of course you haven't. You're one human being who in the grand scheme of things has no real impact on human history. Sorry to break it to you.
I'll bet almost all of you are disgusted at this point with me. You think I'm being far too pessimistic. "James, it's people like you which are why these problems still exist!" No...it's not, because alas my friends...I am one of you. I have some ideas about the environment, and population as a whole...but none of them are feasible or even good enough to work. I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. Overpopulation is one of my biggest concerns. Normally, I'd put a video at the end of the blog. However, it's necessary to sum up why I'm worried about it, even if it is humourous.
Doug Stanhope
I know most of my videos are normally just a nice addition. But watch this one first before I continue. Don't read on to see where I'm going with this...just watch.
Right, assuming you've watched it...I'll continue.
As Doug put it, beautifully I might add, the news is like an old whore. It's meant to be there for the hard facts, but sometimes it tells you what you want. If it didn't, do you know what would happen? We'd commit mass suicide. The news is seriously a lot worse than they let on...they only tell you what is absolutely necessary to know. It's why they tell you that you can do something, with those pointless tips like "switching off a light when you leave a room." This isn't a wacko conspiracy theory, it's actual fact...so shush.
It's also why they have such crap stories like "Little Timothy the Barn Owl is here with his owner John....tell us John, how much food does this little guy eat?" It's not a "slow news day"...it's just to put you off the horrifying truth of what's out there. There's so much bad news that happens every day, we'd all give up on life if we listened or saw all of it. The happy chappy news, as I call it. It's like a drug...to soothe our worries and calm our nerves. By the way, this theory on the news is something I just thought up. I have not heard it any where else...so I'm trademarking it now. Just like I had to trademark the phrase
"Rooney's more on fire than the sex from that Kings of Leon song" ™ ©
"James' theory on the news ploy to keep us happy" ™ © That should keep you away.
Back to the main point. Overpopulation is a real issue, and here's how I'd deal with it. Firstly, you have to decide as a nation what you want, death by natural causes or facist control on birth rate?
Swine flu was meant to be a scary pandemic. We were all meant to die. But we didn't. This is because the genius of mankind stopped it. Yay! We're saved! No...we're really not. Do you not realise how nature works? Swine flu was there to kill of some of the population. We stopped it...so give it a few years. Something a LOT worse will come along and kill of more of us. We can't allow ourselves to continue breeding, or "fuck in the fronthole" any more. It creates too many people for this planet to sustain. By 2060, the world's population will have doubled if we keep going at this rate. Worried about immigration? How about you stop reproducing. (I'm not part of the problem, nobody wants to sleep with me, so it's fine.)
This is what I mean by deciding. Either we let people die or we start using more condoms. Now, this is where it gets unrealistic. Do you think the British government will even consider "doing a China" and restrict how many children per family? Of course not. We're meant to be a country of free people.
How about letting people die off from diseases that spread naturally? Rationally, you might not have a problem with it. But what if it's your nan who gets the next disease? Or your sister, or your mum? I doubt you'll be content with the government saying "Sorry, we have to let them die, helps out the population issue." What to do eh? Well, when I establish my Reich...here's my plans:
Stop reading Heat, it's not Okay to read OK! (happy Kester?), Take a Break and realise that magazine is garbage. Puns aside, you may think these are the "small steps" that won't help, but let me continue. If we stop people reading these...and slowly but surely drag away from this media culture we live in, we will be much better off. Read something political, or historical or full or art, whatever takes your fancy. Who cares if you want to read about Alex Reed and Jordan's wedding? This is for the good of mankind dammit! If people begin thinking more rationally and understand the world a bit more, we might get to the point where they stop having so many children. Do you know who has the most kids? Thick people and Catholics. Catholics don't use contraception, but we can't fix that one. Why do thick people have so many kids? Think about it. You drop out of school at 16. You have low GCSEs, chances are you don't have much of a future. You want to feel some worth, some real responsibility. You have a baby...it makes you feel that you're doing something good, and hey, it makes you money right? Then you have another...and before you know it, you've got four kids...generally from four different fathers. Men who are thick are not known for their sensitivity and care. Perhaps I'm generalising, but I don't think I'm completely wrong.
The end point is that overpopulation is what we need to fix. The war in Iraq will end when it does, poverty isn't solvable in ten or even twenty years. Instead of getting so emotional over what we can't change...get emotional over what will kill us if we don't stop it. I want you to go out now, and spread this message....or just stop using you johnson.
The song by the way is a single by The Clash. It was very hard to find a song that was the epitome of the point I was making (hardly surprising). But this particular song is about Idealism and Youth. Something that I hold which I love and hate at the same time.
To end on a light hearted note...it's half term. If you're on the cultural visit, I hope you had a lovely time...and all of you enjoy the week off.
Now go away.
Today I'd like to talk about the environment. "Eugghh" I hear you groan. But bear with me. I want to talk primarily about overpopulation. But firstly, I want to talk about the problems with being a teenager. Getting the obvious out the way, peer pressure, hormones, exams, school, physical insecurities (I think that covers most of the angsts teens seem to experience). The main annoyance for me is being a little naive about the world. I'm talking about this idealistic view almost all teenagers with any moral compass experience. The recent horrific tragedy in Haiti is a very good example (despite being a horrible event of human tragedy.)
Every single day we see more and more pictures of suffering and woe. We stand there and a surge of emotion rises up. We think, "Yes! WE CAN DO SOMETHING...let's go help these people!" Take a second for rational thought. No...you can't do something. Chances are, you don't have a well-paid job. Even if you get a decent amount of money, let's face it, you need it for yourself...especially with University on the horizon. We are all aware of how much Uni costs...three and half thousand pounds a year at least, and that's tuition alone. So money is out of the question to donate to this cause. "Every little helps!" I hear you cry. Not a whole lot. A stupid amount of money isn't getting through. So what can you do now? Volunteer! Yes, let's all skip our A-Level exams and go help out a cause. That's great...but are you so willing to sacrifice your future to help others? I wouldn't...and I'm not a bastard, I'm just being rational.
The point I'm really trying to make is that a lot in the world is out of our control. Yet, for whatever reasons, hormones, passion, youth, we all feel we can do something to change it. We post statuses on facebook, we make groups to rally people, we hold demonstrations...and for what end? Have you got rid of all the nuclear weaponry, have you ended poverty, have you stopped the war in Iraq? No, of course you haven't. You're one human being who in the grand scheme of things has no real impact on human history. Sorry to break it to you.
I'll bet almost all of you are disgusted at this point with me. You think I'm being far too pessimistic. "James, it's people like you which are why these problems still exist!" No...it's not, because alas my friends...I am one of you. I have some ideas about the environment, and population as a whole...but none of them are feasible or even good enough to work. I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. Overpopulation is one of my biggest concerns. Normally, I'd put a video at the end of the blog. However, it's necessary to sum up why I'm worried about it, even if it is humourous.
Doug Stanhope
I know most of my videos are normally just a nice addition. But watch this one first before I continue. Don't read on to see where I'm going with this...just watch.
Right, assuming you've watched it...I'll continue.
As Doug put it, beautifully I might add, the news is like an old whore. It's meant to be there for the hard facts, but sometimes it tells you what you want. If it didn't, do you know what would happen? We'd commit mass suicide. The news is seriously a lot worse than they let on...they only tell you what is absolutely necessary to know. It's why they tell you that you can do something, with those pointless tips like "switching off a light when you leave a room." This isn't a wacko conspiracy theory, it's actual fact...so shush.
It's also why they have such crap stories like "Little Timothy the Barn Owl is here with his owner John....tell us John, how much food does this little guy eat?" It's not a "slow news day"...it's just to put you off the horrifying truth of what's out there. There's so much bad news that happens every day, we'd all give up on life if we listened or saw all of it. The happy chappy news, as I call it. It's like a drug...to soothe our worries and calm our nerves. By the way, this theory on the news is something I just thought up. I have not heard it any where else...so I'm trademarking it now. Just like I had to trademark the phrase
"Rooney's more on fire than the sex from that Kings of Leon song" ™ ©
"James' theory on the news ploy to keep us happy" ™ © That should keep you away.
Back to the main point. Overpopulation is a real issue, and here's how I'd deal with it. Firstly, you have to decide as a nation what you want, death by natural causes or facist control on birth rate?
Swine flu was meant to be a scary pandemic. We were all meant to die. But we didn't. This is because the genius of mankind stopped it. Yay! We're saved! No...we're really not. Do you not realise how nature works? Swine flu was there to kill of some of the population. We stopped it...so give it a few years. Something a LOT worse will come along and kill of more of us. We can't allow ourselves to continue breeding, or "fuck in the fronthole" any more. It creates too many people for this planet to sustain. By 2060, the world's population will have doubled if we keep going at this rate. Worried about immigration? How about you stop reproducing. (I'm not part of the problem, nobody wants to sleep with me, so it's fine.)
This is what I mean by deciding. Either we let people die or we start using more condoms. Now, this is where it gets unrealistic. Do you think the British government will even consider "doing a China" and restrict how many children per family? Of course not. We're meant to be a country of free people.
How about letting people die off from diseases that spread naturally? Rationally, you might not have a problem with it. But what if it's your nan who gets the next disease? Or your sister, or your mum? I doubt you'll be content with the government saying "Sorry, we have to let them die, helps out the population issue." What to do eh? Well, when I establish my Reich...here's my plans:
Stop reading Heat, it's not Okay to read OK! (happy Kester?), Take a Break and realise that magazine is garbage. Puns aside, you may think these are the "small steps" that won't help, but let me continue. If we stop people reading these...and slowly but surely drag away from this media culture we live in, we will be much better off. Read something political, or historical or full or art, whatever takes your fancy. Who cares if you want to read about Alex Reed and Jordan's wedding? This is for the good of mankind dammit! If people begin thinking more rationally and understand the world a bit more, we might get to the point where they stop having so many children. Do you know who has the most kids? Thick people and Catholics. Catholics don't use contraception, but we can't fix that one. Why do thick people have so many kids? Think about it. You drop out of school at 16. You have low GCSEs, chances are you don't have much of a future. You want to feel some worth, some real responsibility. You have a baby...it makes you feel that you're doing something good, and hey, it makes you money right? Then you have another...and before you know it, you've got four kids...generally from four different fathers. Men who are thick are not known for their sensitivity and care. Perhaps I'm generalising, but I don't think I'm completely wrong.
The end point is that overpopulation is what we need to fix. The war in Iraq will end when it does, poverty isn't solvable in ten or even twenty years. Instead of getting so emotional over what we can't change...get emotional over what will kill us if we don't stop it. I want you to go out now, and spread this message....or just stop using you johnson.
The song by the way is a single by The Clash. It was very hard to find a song that was the epitome of the point I was making (hardly surprising). But this particular song is about Idealism and Youth. Something that I hold which I love and hate at the same time.
To end on a light hearted note...it's half term. If you're on the cultural visit, I hope you had a lovely time...and all of you enjoy the week off.
Now go away.
Labels:
Doug Stanhope,
Environment,
Haiti,
Idealism,
Plans for the future,
Population,
trademark
Friday, 5 February 2010
1984
Hello all who are reading this. I hope you've had an excellent week. If you're not reading this, you're missing out and you're a fool. Luckily, you're not reading this so you can't be offended ;) This blog posting today will be about an event that many of you are aware of by now. I am indeed attending the Big Brother auditions this Sunday. I am rather excited, assuming I make it! I have school work to do tomorrow, and then I'm working at Remix 6pm-1am...so I might not even be able to force myself to get up! Anyway, assuming all goes as planned I will be queuing with the thousands of other desperate wackos wanting to get on the final ever show. I thought I'd use this blog to tell you why I reckon I have a good shot of getting on, and what I'll do if I get a place. The blog title is quite appropriate, a wonderful song by David Bowie from his Diamond Dogs album, it is of course the George Orwell novel '1984' that the idea behind Big Brother came from. Read that book, not now, I want you to read this...but sometime soon.
Ok, let's start out by saying how I plan to play it on Sunday. What makes me any better than the other candidates? (Apart from my natural wit, my intelligence and charm?) Just kidding...I'm just trying the arrogant thing, it seems to work for Big Brother. They really like absolute bastards who don't mind getting booed, who in fact thrive off of it. I will start out by pointing out this is the last Big Brother ever. Why is this? (I'll ask rhetorically). It's because their ratings have basically been in the shitter for the last few years. They just don't grab people's attention like they used to. I'll ask why? (again, rhetorically). It's because they have only been using people of lower intelligence than your basic frog. These people are chosen because they're easy to exploit, but if they want ratings to shoot up, they need to get someone in there who'll raise the controversy, spark up debates, and of course manage to structure a sentence that is longer than ten words. That's my job, I'll point out happily. I'll add in quickly I'm not an egomaniac. I am generally sweet natured. I will give the example of the time I offered a Jehova's witness a cup of tea. (Tip, don't do the same for a Mormon ;) ). Normally people tell them to fuck right off! I'll tell a few jokes, but only those that come naturally. I'll emphasise I'm funny, but in a situational kind of way rather than "A man walks into a bar...ouch" sort of way. I'll make sure to compliment them, and not make myself feel like a ass kisser. I'm not sure how the interview actually works, but I will finish it by pointing out I'm not all that bothered if they reject me, I, unlike most saps have a planned future, and this is just something I wanted to "try". They'll bloody love me. (Or think I'm so up my own arse I should go out to find out there's another world that isn't my rectum.) Apologies for that graphic description.
Now, imagine (laughably) I am accepted on to the show. I'm actually pretty sure the show is filmed in June, so it clashes with my exams...but still, let's forget that for a second. What do I intend to do to win? Let's face it, nobody goes in there to be 5th or 3rd...they are there to win, like at most things in life...without succeeding, it'll feel like you've wasted your time. My first strategy will be to do what I do naturally anyway. Charm my bloody arse off. I will care about people, I won't bitch and I'll attempt to get to know people in a manner that suits me. This will hopefully give me a few weeks free of being nominated. I will be genuine however, and tell people what I think of them (in a diplomatic sense.)
My next tactic will be to win over public affection. I'll be truly heartwarming to the diary room camera. Every time I walk in, I'll be honest "Look Big Brother, not interested in talking to you today, I want to talk to..._____ (friend or family name here). I am not an avid fan of the show, as you might have guessed, but I do wonder why nobody has ever worked that out? The Diary room is a gateway to the British public.
Once I have got on good terms with most, there will be those who outright frustrate me. My method will be to set them up for a heated argument (as promised), but hopefully destroy them with my quick thinking and oratory skills. Not only will this reflect them in a horrible light, it'll make me feel a whole lot better. Those who remain that I do like, I will ask thought provoking questions, and again simply show that I genuinely care about them as people, and their ideas...even if they are delivered in an awful manner.
Last but not least, I did promise funny didn't I? My ace in the hole is something I am sure will be edited out. It's not hugely original, but dammit it's funny. You know, when I'm in the Diary Room. There are sixty million people in the United Kingdom. Chances are, one of them will be spanking the monkey so to speak. Some dirty men cannot resist it. Anything turns them on. A curvy melon, a bit of thigh in a shot...some dirty talk. So I plan to deliver. I will be honest and sincere. "Come on big boy, I know you're at home, just jerking it off. I hope I'm not distracting you...pretend I'm Megan Fox, go on, do it. Just keep going, almost there." Then I'll flick my head back. "Ooof, right in the eye, nice shot." Then wink seductively. If the thought of me doing that doesn't make you crack up, I don't know what will. And for those who know me well enough, I'll stick with the old fashioned, saying whatever comes into my head, even if it's awful, approach to my comedy. A recent example being when I made a crack about two thirteen year old girls...."Put them together, they're twenty six, so it's ok." Ok, not so funny...
Don't worry I have lots more ;)
I'll also perhaps use the house to really stimulate hot topics, such as the Inquiry of Blair, or the Pope's recent attack of the equality laws. Then again, maybe I'm aiming too high, let's just ask "How much in love is Jordan with Alex Reed? Very much...or only quite?" This will work extra well as he won the last one...see I know my Big Brother trivia too!
That's really all I have for you this week. I think this blog posting was well timed and well thought out, despite making me come across as a superficial, over-confident turd face. I hope you all enjoy your weekend and the following week, and I hope I do too! If you have anything else I should do for my audition, or while in the house, comment below...
I leave you with an unrelated yet hilarious video.
'Average Homeboy'
Now go away.
Ok, let's start out by saying how I plan to play it on Sunday. What makes me any better than the other candidates? (Apart from my natural wit, my intelligence and charm?) Just kidding...I'm just trying the arrogant thing, it seems to work for Big Brother. They really like absolute bastards who don't mind getting booed, who in fact thrive off of it. I will start out by pointing out this is the last Big Brother ever. Why is this? (I'll ask rhetorically). It's because their ratings have basically been in the shitter for the last few years. They just don't grab people's attention like they used to. I'll ask why? (again, rhetorically). It's because they have only been using people of lower intelligence than your basic frog. These people are chosen because they're easy to exploit, but if they want ratings to shoot up, they need to get someone in there who'll raise the controversy, spark up debates, and of course manage to structure a sentence that is longer than ten words. That's my job, I'll point out happily. I'll add in quickly I'm not an egomaniac. I am generally sweet natured. I will give the example of the time I offered a Jehova's witness a cup of tea. (Tip, don't do the same for a Mormon ;) ). Normally people tell them to fuck right off! I'll tell a few jokes, but only those that come naturally. I'll emphasise I'm funny, but in a situational kind of way rather than "A man walks into a bar...ouch" sort of way. I'll make sure to compliment them, and not make myself feel like a ass kisser. I'm not sure how the interview actually works, but I will finish it by pointing out I'm not all that bothered if they reject me, I, unlike most saps have a planned future, and this is just something I wanted to "try". They'll bloody love me. (Or think I'm so up my own arse I should go out to find out there's another world that isn't my rectum.) Apologies for that graphic description.
Now, imagine (laughably) I am accepted on to the show. I'm actually pretty sure the show is filmed in June, so it clashes with my exams...but still, let's forget that for a second. What do I intend to do to win? Let's face it, nobody goes in there to be 5th or 3rd...they are there to win, like at most things in life...without succeeding, it'll feel like you've wasted your time. My first strategy will be to do what I do naturally anyway. Charm my bloody arse off. I will care about people, I won't bitch and I'll attempt to get to know people in a manner that suits me. This will hopefully give me a few weeks free of being nominated. I will be genuine however, and tell people what I think of them (in a diplomatic sense.)
My next tactic will be to win over public affection. I'll be truly heartwarming to the diary room camera. Every time I walk in, I'll be honest "Look Big Brother, not interested in talking to you today, I want to talk to..._____ (friend or family name here). I am not an avid fan of the show, as you might have guessed, but I do wonder why nobody has ever worked that out? The Diary room is a gateway to the British public.
Once I have got on good terms with most, there will be those who outright frustrate me. My method will be to set them up for a heated argument (as promised), but hopefully destroy them with my quick thinking and oratory skills. Not only will this reflect them in a horrible light, it'll make me feel a whole lot better. Those who remain that I do like, I will ask thought provoking questions, and again simply show that I genuinely care about them as people, and their ideas...even if they are delivered in an awful manner.
Last but not least, I did promise funny didn't I? My ace in the hole is something I am sure will be edited out. It's not hugely original, but dammit it's funny. You know, when I'm in the Diary Room. There are sixty million people in the United Kingdom. Chances are, one of them will be spanking the monkey so to speak. Some dirty men cannot resist it. Anything turns them on. A curvy melon, a bit of thigh in a shot...some dirty talk. So I plan to deliver. I will be honest and sincere. "Come on big boy, I know you're at home, just jerking it off. I hope I'm not distracting you...pretend I'm Megan Fox, go on, do it. Just keep going, almost there." Then I'll flick my head back. "Ooof, right in the eye, nice shot." Then wink seductively. If the thought of me doing that doesn't make you crack up, I don't know what will. And for those who know me well enough, I'll stick with the old fashioned, saying whatever comes into my head, even if it's awful, approach to my comedy. A recent example being when I made a crack about two thirteen year old girls...."Put them together, they're twenty six, so it's ok." Ok, not so funny...
Don't worry I have lots more ;)
I'll also perhaps use the house to really stimulate hot topics, such as the Inquiry of Blair, or the Pope's recent attack of the equality laws. Then again, maybe I'm aiming too high, let's just ask "How much in love is Jordan with Alex Reed? Very much...or only quite?" This will work extra well as he won the last one...see I know my Big Brother trivia too!
That's really all I have for you this week. I think this blog posting was well timed and well thought out, despite making me come across as a superficial, over-confident turd face. I hope you all enjoy your weekend and the following week, and I hope I do too! If you have anything else I should do for my audition, or while in the house, comment below...
I leave you with an unrelated yet hilarious video.
'Average Homeboy'
Now go away.
Labels:
1984,
Arrogant,
Big Brother,
Bowie,
Reality TV,
Winning
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)