Under Pressure

Hello all...I bet you're stressed. Sweat patches forming under those armpits, and you know it isn't the hot weather...? You've got those bastardly exams coming up...and you think you might cry. Many would agree you're 'Under Pressure' HA I AM SO WITTY. Yes, a fantastic David Bowie & Queen song, sadly ruined in the nineties by Vanilla Ice and later on, the song was killed by John and Edward (I refuse to give those tits the satisfaction of pairing their names together in a cool way.) Well, I don't have anything better to do, so I thought I'd write this fantastic cut out guide (don't really try and cut it out...it's on the computer innit' moron) of how to beat stress. That's right, brought to you free by your one and only master of blogging, Mr. James Wallis. Talking of people under stress, this could be an excellent opportunity to make a tasteless joke about the horrific killings that occurred only a few days ago in Whitehaven. I won't though, I'm not a complete monster. I do have to say one thing, I am rather against the groups on facebook dedicated to them. It's a nice sentiment, but I don't really think facebook is the place guys...come on.


Anyway, moving swiftly on. Pressure can cause a lot of harm, physically and emotionally. These top ten tips should hopefully help you get through whatever is stressing you out and make you cool as a whistle. (I don't even think that's a real phrase...bit stupid really.) Be it your job, your relationship (just dump the bitch and give her my number yeah?), or exams, stick with me and you'll make it. O, by the way, for this blog, I will be charging you for reading these tips. Two pound a tip, and an extra three for that marvellous introduction? I think that's fair. If you don't want to pay...stop reading NOW.


Ok here we go, The Wallis Wonder Guide to Surviving Stress *


Number One - Masturbate. Lots.


- You know you love it. Why wouldn't you? It feels great, and releases stress. Don't bother trying to get laid...takes FAR too much effort, just whip out the ol' trouser snake and jerk away. Go on, spank it, pull it, do whatever you want...and guess what? If you do it too much and it begins to hurt, you'll be so worried about it hurting that you'll forget what you were stressing about in the first place! For women out there, well...I didn't this tip would appeal, but feel free to! 


Number Two - Kick people randomly in the balls


- This will give you so much satisfaction. Just one swift kick and you can dance with glee as your victim groans loudly and sinks to the floor in mind numbing pain. If you're really stressed, kick them while they're down...make them cry if necessary. Brilliant. 


On a side note, in the typical debate "Which hurts more, being kicked in the balls or having a baby?" It's the former. Trust me, I've done both and the second one is like a euphoric drug passing through your bloodstream compared to the second.


Number Three - Watch Jeremy Kyle or something similar


- This will satisfy you for two reasons. Firstly, it's a great form of procrastination. And secondly, while watching you'll slowly realise the obvious. Your life may be tough and stress-filled, but at least it's not as bad as these guys. Gonna have to retake your history AS exam and re-learn all about Luther and Calvin? Try having a mum who slept with your boyfriend, WHILE you were pregnant. Stop whining you little girl. 


Number Four - Watch a lot of Disney films


- This one is brilliant for those who like to be blissfully ignorant with their responsibilities. Just sit down, pop in Aladdin and dance and sing away to 'A Friend like Me' (Best Disney song, ever.) You'll be drooling and giggling in no time and you can imagine, if only for an hour and a half, that the world is a magical, colourful place and all your dreams WILL come true. O BOY!


Number Five - Go to Stevenage and stare and laugh at ugly people. 


- This is my favourite by far. I do it ALL the time. I mean, I'm no Brad Pitt, but have you seen the people of Stevenage? God, there's so many of them. Just go along, sit down with a friend or two, and just point and laugh. Eat sandwiches, make it an event on facebook! Go crazy! Just make sure you laugh loudly at them. And the best part? They can't deny it...they'll  just shrug in a melancholic sort of way...and glumly move on with their meaningless lives.


And people say I'm not a good person, five great tips already! If you've read this far, you owe me thirteen pounds :) Carrying on...


Number Six - Do something outrageous, which was clearly you, and insist it was someone else.


- Try something like...taking a big poo right in front of a neighbour in their garden. Then insist it was obviously their cat, despite the fact they watched you with horrified eyes as your rectum opened up and your faeces plopped onto their grass. Too descriptive for you? I could've made it a LOT worse. Anyway, their frustration as you continue to deny it will build and you can happily watch as they reach breaking point. Isn't this fun? 


Number Seven - Cook a delicious meal 


- This one isn't that funny, I'm being serious. Food is not only good for that brain stimulation and can be relaxing and fun! And afterwards, you get to  EAT the food. How brilliant is that? 


Top 3 suggestions 


- Bacon sarnie
- Lemon Cheesecake
- Chicken and Bacon Pie


(For all Vegetarians...stop stressing about the animals and just eat away ;))


Number Eight - Throw eggs at an arch rivals house


- Nothing is more satisfying or thrilling than a night time run with a friend to your arch rival's house...and then throwing eggs. The pleasing sound of the splat as it hits an expensive window or their roofing. If you want to be really wacky, hook up a camera outside their house and film their reaction in the morning. It'll make you laugh so much, you'll have no stress at all!


Number Nine - Go online and aggravate people


- For online gamers, this one. Stop stressing when you die on Call of Duty Modern Poofare 2. Stop complaining if the internet lags and you get shot. DEAL with the stress by hooking up that microphone and taking the sting out of being killed when you were on a streak by openly mocking who killed you. A majority of people online are idiotic, spotty, virgins, so degrading them shouldn't be hard for one as intelligent as yourself right? One of my friend's top things to annoy someone is to insist you are a winner, even if they kill you six times in a row. Watch them cry in frustration. "BU-BU-BUT I KILLED YOU! I'M THE WINN- MOM, THERE MOCKING ME AGAIN!" 


If that doesn't de-stress you, I don't know what will.


Drum roll please....(and a quick reminder, you now owe me twenty one pounds)...


Number Ten - Do what you're meant to...


Whatever you're stressed about, why don't you just do it? It's the easiest way, and then you'll have lots of free time to do the other nine things for your own amusement. I hope you've enjoyed this guide. Overall, it's your stress so DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF. Seriously, try just doing what you're meant to be doing. Stop procrastinating by reading this, I have an excuse, I have to continue typing until I'm done...and done.


Do whatever you have to loser and go away now. 


*Disclaimer : These aren't meant to be taken seriously. Don't prove you're a fool by complaining to me at some of these tasteless  ideas.
** You owe me 23 pounds bitch. You think I'd do this shit for free?