Wow...we made it...25 blog postings, not including this one. Not that we were aiming or that I tried hard or anything... But congratulations all. And by all, I mean me, for I am a self-congratulatory bastard. You know how most men get turned on by porn...I just have to read my own blogs. Yup, you hate me now? You actually already hate me as I'm done with exams...and well, most of you aren't. NAH NAH NAH NAH! *Sticks tongue out.* I have been using the time productively to watch the World Cup games. It hasn't been great has it? A few shocks here and there, namely Spain V Switzerland and Germany V Serbia but only a few great games. I personally found Mexico V France to be one of the best (mainly because Hernandez is moving to Manchester United for next season and he's clearly a very fine player.)
I am of course most excited for tonight's game, England V Algeria. I am especially pleased that Slovenia are drawing with America, although America's disallowed goal was fair game, a draw makes it easier for them :) Shame we didn't beat them. I for one am not mad at Rob Green like the rest of the country. He made one silly mistake (which can partly be attributed to the new ball) and also, let's not forget, it's not like we played well. I mean come on, he let in ONE goal. If we'd scored three instead of the one then we would have won anyway. Stop giving the guy a hard time. I must add this opinion stems from my anger at the stupid number of facebook groups and jokes. Could you have done any better? No, of course not. Shut up. Before I get onto this week's topic, I thought I'd say what I'd like to see in this World Cup:
- South Africa to get through the group (despite not really being anywhere as good as Mexico...but they're the hosts and they're SO excited! People complain about the noise, I think it shows how happy they are to host it, and that's how it should be.)
- South Korea to qualify for the Last 16 also (Park Ji Sung!)
- England to get to the semi-finals at least, to show we're not just Quarter Final quality. (I would say win but...let's be realistic ;) However, after some of the previous games, it shows that the top teams aren't necessarily guaranteed anything. As we're mediocre compared to them, we have a chance!) *Biggest shock for me, Brazil not hammering North Korea and only winning 2-1 (and Korea scoring.)
- Netherlands to win if England get knocked out. I have a fondness for the Dutch and also my Dad has them in the sweepstakes.
- Portugal to be knocked out of their group just to see Ronaldo's face.
If any or all of those happen, anyone reading this owes me £5. I don't start my new job for a month, gotta make money somehow!
This week I thought I'd do another self-help guide, it seemed to work last week regarding how to deal with stress. There have been no further shooting sprees. Sorry, that was a little tasteless. Anyway, this week won't be about helping you as an individual, but will allow you to understand (in the best way I can) our absurd number of newspapers. The television news can only give you so much information (it's normally full of morons giving their opinion, which we easily could have guessed.) So here we have a handy guide to each British newspapers and whether you should read them or not. I'll try to be as impartial as I can but you must understand that certain things I say are universally known (well, by intelligent people at least.) As an added bonus, this blog can allow me to use the Jam song 'News of the World.' (Theme song to Mock the Week.)
So here we go, I'll divide it up into two categories (which I'll also define) to make this a less cluttered read :) Aren't I sweet?
First up, the Broadsheets. Definition : more serious-minded newspapers, usually referred to as the broadsheets due to their large size, and sometimes known collectively as "the quality press"
So basically, these are the ones you should read if you want to know about the BP Oil situation or the current situation in Iraq. Not to be read if you want to know which celebrity is looking ugly this week or what's going to happen in Eastenders.
First up:
The Daily Telegraph (Est 1855) - This is a good paper, just quite Conservative. It's one which consistently backs the Conservative Party and therefore is naturally right-wing. It doesn't like poor people and it loves shooting foxes. Ah damn, there goes the impartiality... Ian Hislop's satirical paper Private Eye often refers to it as the 'Torygraph.'
The Times (Est 1785) - Once again, quite a right wing paper. It's a perfectly good paper but it is owned by Rupert Murdoch. I'm going to interrupt myself to point out that Rupert Murdoch is a cunt. I apologise as that word offends many, but he really is a massive bell-end. I think it was the first time I heard my father properly swear. My father has two reasons to hate him. Firstly, he's an Australian. That isn't the reason, but the point is he has a lot of influence in both America (owns Sky) and England (owns The Times AND The Sun.) His second reason is that pre-Murdoch Sun paper, there was a strong print union and he came in and got a cheaper electronic printing press and didn't tell those who had previously been printing by hand and put them out of work. What a lovely bastard.
The Guardian (Est 1821) - On the other side of the political spectrum. An intelligent paper, my personal favourite for the fact Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell regularly contribute. You should read this paper if you love the Labour Party and want a good coverage of National and World News. I'm not biased AT ALL ;)
The Independent (Est 1986) - This is a paper I also like to read. It's meant to be independent assuringly based on the title. However it tends to veer towards the left and liberal side of things. It was established to be an independent paper and not run owned by rich big wigs who donate to political party.
The Observer (Est 1791) - One of the original, early Sunday papers. It was taken over by The Guardian group...essentially part of The Guardian now. Although there are different writers, similar opinions.
That's the main broadsheets. Next up, the middle-level papers. These are actually the worst despite giving serious news they generally give seriously offensive and narrow-minded opinions.
Daily Express (Est 1900) - Similar to The Telegraph, it is a traditionally right-wing paper. It's a dumbed down version of the Mail who, it should be noted, intelligent but ignorant readers. Shame it used to be a Broadsheet.
Daily Mail (Est 1896) - This is easily the most dangerous newspaper. I don't mean there's a higher chance of giving you paper cuts, I mean the content. I know I said I'd be impartial but fuck that. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Do not read the Mail in front of me. It's a horrible newspaper. It takes things in the world which are happening and blames them on ludicrous things. It's favourite things to complain about are immigrants. It also likes to blare that readers will get cancer from basically anything, be it going outside in the sun to eating a biscuit. It's offensive, it's wrong and it does make people scared and angry about things which they shouldn't worry about! That is why I worry for the future of this country.
It's why the Labour government got voted out, because the Mail blamed them for everything...and now we have a government who will make cuts which will in the future lose lots of people jobs. The worst thing the Tory government are doing is making education cuts. Seriously, people need to start appreciating how fucking important education is. Yeah, it's a chore. It's not fun, but if you don't have it...you're a moron and you're fucked basically. I did a blog about the important of education when the election was on and look where we are. I was fucking right and that's why YOUR the moron if you voted Tory. You wanted change, you got it...not a good change though was it fuckers. (Unlike Obama's changes, a man I am warming too.)
And last but not least, I use that ironically, the tabloids. These are basically papers for complete idiots who are happy to not learn about real news. These aren't as bad as The Mail because the stories aren't serious and you can have a genuine laugh at the stupidity of the reports. They are very good for the tits and sports though men.
The Sun (Est 1964) - The most well known of the tabloid and one of the most widely read newspapers. This would irritate me but I've come to accept that a majority of this country are complete idiots. It has a reading age of eight, just so we know with the kind of quality we're dealing with. Also owned by Murdoch..
The Daily Mirror (Est 1903) -This is just behind The Sun in terms of number of readers…it’s more left wing than The Sun which is a paper that swaps about but is generally supportive of the Conservatives recently. On the other hand, The Mirror is a very left wing paper.
The Daily Star (Est 1978) - Similar to the Express in its politics and views. A pretty piss poor newspaper all round. (I always knew this post was going to be biased.)
The Daily Sport (Est 1991) - As the title suggests, this paper focuses on sport. It does a fair job and also has a lot of boobs in it. It's basically a lad's mag but laid out like a paper.
The Morning Star (Est 1930) - Not strictly a bad paper...it's just not widely circulated as it is a very left wing paper and isn't too popular. It backs the Communist Party of Britain to give an idea of HOW left wing it is.
Well, that's all of them. There are others I could have covered, i.e. Sunday papers but many of them are just Sunday versions of their weekly papers. I hope you learned something here today. I don't think people realise how influential newspapers can be. Although I have my own views, and this affects how I feel about papers, it is clear that The Daily Mail is not a good paper. If you have any decency as a person, it doesn't matter who you vote for as long as The Daily Mail isn't in your newspaper rack. I hope this wasn't too long for you, I didn't think I'd do that much on the World Cup, or that I'd have so much to say. Now I'm off to watch England V Algeria. I hope you all are watching and enjoy it too. Unless your reading this tomorrow and we've lost horribly for some stupid reason :/
Now go away...and enjoy the match :) *
*I think I've become far too pleasant in recent blogs. Next week a large rant about 3DTVs and the advance of technology.
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