Video Killed the Radio Star

I hate technology. I'm not even kidding. I genuinely think it's one of the many things wrong with our faltering society. I don't care if I sound like an old man, complaining about the youth of today or technology, I mean it. Obviously I can appreciate certain technological advancements. The World Cup is going to get mentioned yet again...but because it's a great example of a need for technology. "O, he went down a bit easily there!" We look back at the footage and we see in great detail his legs get taken out...and we think "Yes that was a harsh tackle, well done referee." Without this, we'd always be questioning referee's decisions rather than having a definite idea that he'd either cocked up the decision or made a great call. As I've done it expertly, I shall be doing a brief commentary of the events that have occurred so far in the World Cup since my last blog (Sorry Mira). Let's see if any of my wishes can still come true shall we? 


- South Africa to get through the group (despite not really being anywhere as good as Mexico...but they're the hosts and they're SO excited! People complain about the noise, I think it shows how happy they are to host it, and that's how it should be.)   I am so sorry South Africa, you deserved it on spirit alone. 

- South Korea to qualify for the Last 16 also (Park Ji Sung!) They did!

- England to get to the semi-finals at least, to show we're not just Quarter Final quality. (I would say win but...let's be realistic ;) However, after some of the previous games, it shows that the top teams aren't necessarily guaranteed anything. As we're mediocre compared to them, we have a chance!) *Biggest shock for me, Brazil not hammering North Korea and only winning 2-1 (and Korea scoring.) As we have the Germans now, after not topping the group, it will be tough. But if we played like we did against Slovenia (a side typically playing on the defensive, I think we may have a chance!) 


- Netherlands to win if England get knocked out. I have a fondness for the Dutch and also my Dad has them in the sweepstakes. This could easily happen, they've been one of the best teams so far, playing solid football, not scoring loads, but conceding little (which is important.) 

- Portugal to be knocked out of their group just to see Ronaldo's face. Alas, after they hammered North Korea with seven goals, I see them going far. 


Anyway, so France also got knocked out and beaten by South Africa (to give them something to be happy with.) We managed to get through despite not being great in our first two games. Japan were also surprisingly strong, especially in yesterday's game that had two of the best free-kicks of this tournament without question. Italy are OUT, which was a real shocker to me. I know they're an older side but they are the previous winners...come on guys. 


In about 5 minutes, Brazil and Portugal will kick off. I don't really care who wins, they're both going through. However, it should theoretically be the best football of the tournament in terms of skill. The final thing I want to make people aware of is that if Spain only draw with Chile, and Switzerland beat Honduras, Spain will be out! How shocking would that be? 


Right, I'll shut up about football, partly because I don't really know what I'm on about half the time and also because a certain someone doesn't want to hear about it :). So on to technology...bloody annoying isn't it?


Look, I can appreciate technology when it seems to have a point. The following things I want to really stab at today are 3D TVs (and 3D in general), Macs and finally music...not the whole of music, but you'll understand what I mean later. 


3D 


An advancement that has been leapt upon since Avatar was released and everybody cooed over the brilliance and beauty of it. If you haven't heard it from me yet, if you liked Avatar, shut up. Seriously, I do know what I'm talking about when it comes to films...just to sound like an arrogant twat, I did a film class in the States and I've seen a lot of films in general. I do know it wasn't a good film despite all the absolute morons who flooded to see it (one of them being me) and those who rave about it whenever it comes up in conversation. To quote my father 'probably one of the worst films in the last ten years.' It was awful. I'm going to address each argument I've heard in its defence. 


"It's number one in highest-grossing films." I'm not surprised. Yes it was something new and inventive but what was the actual point of the film? Films are meant to make people think about things. Did Avatar? No...it told me all the points it was trying to make, not that it wasn't obvious anyway. The Dark Knight was more thought provoking than it by MILES and that didn't even try very hard. Avatar was a blatant reference to the following :


The Iraq War, Vietnam, The Colonisation of America and the killing of it's indigenous people. Well done Avatar, how original. We get it yeah? America messed up multiple times and killed some innocent civilians. You telling me yet again and then showing it in pretty colours and 3D does not make me feel any more guilty. If you want a good Iraq War film, watch The Hurt Locker (A vastly underrated film in my opinion.) If you want one about Vietnam go see Apocolypse Now or Full Metal Jacket. Finally, if you wanted one about the slaughter of Native Americans (which was so not cool) watch Pocahontas or Dances with Wolves. If you see those, and you get rid of the underlying message...what are you left with? A predictable story which I could map out all the events and after 15 minutes in, nothing was a surprise.


"So the story is bad, the rest was great!" 
So now you've understood the story is awful, what else is left...visual effects, acting and music right? Well the music was over the top, the acting was superb, despite the awful script they had to work with, and yes the visual effects WERE amazing but why should that make a film good? That's my whole point. Film is an art form, but it shouldn't look pretty, it should do it's job which is to tell a story and make you reflect on it. Avatar did neither of those things very well. Not convinced yet? Still think it's a brilliant masterpiece? Let me know in the comments section below and I'll be sure to not bother making conversation with you again. 


All we can agree on here is that at least it wasn't as bad as The Room, one of the worst films in history. Just watch this brilliantly awful scene from it. In case you're wondering "O, but is it so bad its good?" me and Elliot watched it in its entirety...and it's so bad is irritating. You wonder how it ever got made.


The Room


Moving on to the next part of my 3D rant. 3D television, what the fuck is up with that? Like I said previously, I can accept technology if I can see the point. They told us to go out and buy HDTVs when the World Cup rolled round, and that seemed acceptable. I really only think you'd want to see Nature shows in 3D but hey, there is a difference. Now we've gone and spent £600 on a large HDTV (I spent £75 ;) ), they now want us to upgrade to a 3D TV. Do you think we're made of fucking money? The budget has just been announced, and I was going to do a blog about it but that would require research on my part and it doesn't interest me enough. The point is, a lot of cuts are going to be made because the Government doesn't have enough money. If they don't, why would you think we would? And like Avatar, what is the actual point? Ooo, a football flying at my face! No thank you. 


My biggest problem with it is that when they come up with a great idea...they MAKE people have to conform to it. Especially if it cost a lot of money. We've got to the point where you now MUST own a freeview box. Give it a few months, all channels will be HD, even ITV2 which only shows Jeremy Kyle episodes on repeat. Why would we want that in HD? THEY'RE UGLY ENOUGH! So yes, we'll have to get HD....then they'll want to make people buy 3D TVs so they'll change all the channels until they're distorted and we have to somehow find a way to be able to splash out £2000 for a 3D TV. Maybe you're laughing to yourself, thinking I'm being paranoid. You just wait...and when I'm right, you can all buy MY 3D television, fuck off am I paying for it. 


I don't have as much to say about the next two topics. I don't want to keep you any longer than I have to, and I've made my main point, and finally managed to incorporate a rant about Avatar so that makes me very happy! 


Macs


All I need to say about Macs is that they're gaudy crap. They don't work as well as windows, whatever people think. They're stupid, hard to use and clearly for people who cant work more than one button at a time. The short cut keys are all wrong, they cost way to much and Mac owners act all high and mighty when clearly the jokes on them. If you own a Mac, I don't care if you think I'm being an idiot, I know I'm right. They're overpriced, smart looking, worthless junk. Just like Avatar they look great but there is no real content. It's all image and no substance.


 Music


Now before you think I've lost my mind. I don't mean ALL of music, of course not. I just think nowadays it is way too easy to make music and so the quality has dropped. So much of music is just taking original songs and remixing it or sampling it. Nobody bothers with effort any more, technology does the work. A good example is singers. Take someone like Cheryl Cole. Do you honestly believe she can sing that well? I certainly don't. Why bother with trying to sing well when we can just alter your voice for the record? And those who 'see her singing live' 
I think you need to be told...they can change her voice for that too...sorry folks, sorry to ruin your happy world in which Avatar  is a good film and Cheryl Cole can sing well...


I think I made my point and hopefully you can understand why some technology can just fuck off and is just not needed. I used those examples because they annoy me the most but also show that we've entered a world where how something looks is more important than how it functions. It's like having a boyfriend or girlfriend who has the most beautiful eyes and smile yet when she talks...sick comes out of her mouth. Actual sick. I'd rather have the slightly less attractive girl who'd be just as attractive to me because she works properly. IN THE KITCHEN! Yeah I am so witty. Next week I may cover the budget, but who knows...it's always a nice surprise. I never know until the actual day as I just write whatever forms in my stupid head. 


The song in the title is a fantastic 80s hit of how the television made radio almost redundant. That's what will happen if we keep going, we'll lose what is truly great...you'll miss HDTV when it's gone 3D, I can assure you. And if films are now going to start being as pretty but as empty as Avatar I plan to boycott the cinema. A lot of this blog is based on unfounded predictions about our future, and perhaps you think I'm crazy. At least I didn't yell about how robots would take control and kills us all, just like in The Matrix (we all know how real that film was!) 


The aforementioned song was featured in GTA Vice City and I might just go play that now as nothing is going on in the Portugal v Brazil game. Either you go watch that or do something that may soon be gone thanks to technology...savour it yeah? 


Now go away. 

News of the World

Wow...we made it...25 blog postings, not including this one. Not that we were aiming or that I tried hard or anything... But congratulations all. And by all, I mean me, for I am a self-congratulatory bastard. You know how most men get turned on by porn...I just have to read my own blogs. Yup, you hate me now? You actually already hate me as I'm done with exams...and well, most of you aren't. NAH NAH NAH NAH! *Sticks tongue out.* I have been using the time productively to watch the World Cup games. It hasn't been great has it? A few shocks here and there, namely Spain V Switzerland and Germany V Serbia but only a few great games. I personally found Mexico V France to be one of the best (mainly because Hernandez is moving to Manchester United for next season and he's clearly a very fine player.) 


I am of course most excited for tonight's game, England V Algeria. I am especially pleased that Slovenia are drawing with America, although America's disallowed goal was fair game, a draw makes it easier for them :) Shame we didn't beat them. I for one am not mad at Rob Green like the rest of the country. He made one silly mistake (which can partly be attributed to the new ball) and also, let's not forget, it's not like we played well. I mean come on, he let in ONE goal. If we'd scored three instead of the one then we would have won anyway. Stop giving the guy a hard time. I must add this opinion stems from my anger at the stupid number of facebook groups and jokes. Could you have done any better? No, of course not. Shut up. Before I get onto this week's topic, I thought I'd say what I'd like to see in this World Cup: 


- South Africa to get through the group (despite not really being anywhere as good as Mexico...but they're the hosts and they're SO excited! People complain about the noise, I think it shows how happy they are to host it, and that's how it should be.) 
- South Korea to qualify for the Last 16 also (Park Ji Sung!) 
- England to get to the semi-finals at least, to show we're not just Quarter Final quality. (I would say win but...let's be realistic ;) However, after some of the previous games, it shows that the top teams aren't necessarily guaranteed anything. As we're mediocre compared to them, we have a chance!) *Biggest shock for me, Brazil not hammering North Korea and only winning 2-1 (and Korea scoring.) 
- Netherlands to win if England get knocked out. I have a fondness for the Dutch and also my Dad has them in the sweepstakes.
- Portugal to be knocked out of their group just to see Ronaldo's face. 


If any or all of those happen, anyone reading this owes me £5. I don't start my new job for a month, gotta make money somehow!


This week I thought I'd do another self-help guide, it seemed to work last week regarding how to deal with stress. There have been no further shooting sprees. Sorry, that was a little tasteless. Anyway, this week won't be about helping you as an individual, but will allow you to understand (in the best way I can) our absurd number of newspapers. The television news can only give you so much information (it's normally full of morons giving their opinion, which we easily could have guessed.) So here we have a handy guide to each British newspapers and whether you should read them or not. I'll try to be as impartial as I can but you must understand that certain things I say are universally known (well, by intelligent people at least.) As an added bonus, this blog can allow me to use the Jam song 'News of the World.' (Theme song to Mock the Week.) 


So here we go, I'll divide it up into two categories (which I'll also define) to make this a less cluttered read :) Aren't I sweet? 


First up, the Broadsheets. Definition : more serious-minded newspapers, usually referred to as the broadsheets due to their large size, and sometimes known collectively as "the quality press"


So basically, these are the ones you should read if you want to know about the BP Oil situation or the current situation in Iraq. Not to be read if you want to know which celebrity is looking ugly this week or what's going to happen in Eastenders. 


First up: 


The Daily Telegraph (Est 1855) - This is a good paper, just quite Conservative. It's one which consistently backs the Conservative Party and therefore is naturally right-wing. It doesn't like poor people and it loves shooting foxes. Ah damn, there goes the impartiality... Ian Hislop's satirical paper Private Eye often refers to it as the 'Torygraph.' 


The Times (Est 1785) - Once again, quite a right wing paper. It's a perfectly good paper but it is owned by Rupert Murdoch. I'm going to interrupt myself to point out that Rupert Murdoch is a cunt. I apologise as that word offends many, but he really is a massive bell-end. I think it was the first time I heard my father properly swear. My father has two reasons to hate him. Firstly, he's an Australian. That isn't the reason, but the point is he has a lot of influence in both America (owns Sky) and England (owns The Times AND The Sun.) His second reason is that pre-Murdoch Sun paper, there was a strong print union and he came in and got a cheaper electronic printing press and didn't tell those who had previously been printing by hand and put them out of work. What a lovely bastard. 


The Guardian (Est 1821) - On the other side of the political spectrum. An intelligent paper, my personal favourite for the fact Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell regularly contribute. You should read this paper if you love the Labour Party and want a good coverage of National and World News. I'm not biased AT ALL ;) 


The Independent (Est 1986) - This is a paper I also like to read. It's meant to be independent assuringly based on the title. However it tends to veer towards the left and liberal side of things. It was established to be an independent paper and not run owned by rich big wigs who donate to political party. 


The Observer (Est 1791) - One of the original, early Sunday papers. It was taken over by The Guardian group...essentially part of The Guardian now. Although there are different writers, similar opinions.


That's the main broadsheets. Next up, the middle-level papers. These are actually the worst despite giving serious news they generally give seriously offensive and narrow-minded opinions. 


Daily Express (Est 1900) - Similar to The Telegraph, it is a traditionally right-wing paper. It's a dumbed down version of the Mail who, it should be noted, intelligent but ignorant readers. Shame it used to be a Broadsheet. 


Daily Mail (Est 1896) - This is easily the most dangerous newspaper. I don't mean there's a higher chance of giving you paper cuts, I mean the content. I know I said I'd be impartial but fuck that. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Do not read the Mail in front of me. It's a horrible newspaper. It takes things in the world which are happening and blames them on ludicrous things. It's favourite things to complain about are immigrants. It also likes to blare that readers will get cancer from basically anything, be it going outside in the sun to eating a biscuit. It's offensive, it's wrong and it does make people scared and angry about things which they shouldn't worry about! That is why I worry for the future of this country. 


It's why the Labour government got voted out, because the Mail blamed them for everything...and now we have a government who will make cuts which will in the future lose lots of people jobs. The worst thing the Tory government are doing is making education cuts. Seriously, people need to start appreciating how fucking important education is. Yeah, it's a chore. It's not fun, but if you don't have it...you're a moron and you're fucked basically. I did a blog about the important of education when the election was on and look where we are. I was fucking right and that's why YOUR the moron if you voted Tory. You wanted change, you got it...not a good change though was it fuckers. (Unlike Obama's changes, a man I am warming too.) 


And last but not least, I use that ironically, the tabloids. These are basically papers for complete idiots who are happy to not learn about real news. These aren't as bad as The Mail because the stories aren't serious and you can have a genuine laugh at the stupidity of the reports. They are very good for the tits and sports though men.


The Sun (Est 1964) - The most well known of the tabloid and one of the most widely read newspapers. This would irritate me but I've come to accept that a majority of this country are complete idiots. It has a reading age of eight, just so we know with the kind of quality we're dealing with. Also owned by Murdoch..


The Daily Mirror (Est 1903) -This is just behind The Sun in terms of number of readers…it’s more left wing than The Sun which is a paper that swaps about but is generally supportive of the Conservatives recently. On the other hand, The Mirror is a very left wing paper.


The Daily Star (Est 1978) - Similar to the Express in its politics and views. A pretty piss poor newspaper all round. (I always knew this post was going to be biased.)


The Daily Sport (Est 1991) - As the title suggests, this paper focuses on sport. It does a fair job and also has a lot of boobs in it. It's basically a lad's mag but laid out like a paper. 


The Morning Star (Est 1930) - Not strictly a bad paper...it's just not widely circulated as it is a very left wing paper and isn't too popular. It backs the Communist Party of Britain to give an idea of HOW left wing it is. 


Well, that's all of them. There are others I could have covered, i.e. Sunday papers but many of them are just Sunday versions of their weekly papers. I hope you learned something here today. I don't think people realise how influential newspapers can be. Although I have my own views, and this affects how I feel about papers, it is clear that The Daily Mail is not a good paper. If you have any decency as a person, it doesn't matter who you vote for as long as The Daily Mail isn't in your newspaper rack. I hope this wasn't too long for you, I didn't think I'd do that much on the World Cup, or that I'd have so much to say. Now I'm off to watch England V Algeria. I hope you all are watching and enjoy it too. Unless your reading this tomorrow and we've lost horribly for some stupid reason :/ 


Now go away...and enjoy the match :) *


*I think I've become far too pleasant in recent blogs. Next week a large rant about 3DTVs and the advance of technology. 

Three Lions

Jules Rimet still gleaming...well it won't be for England. Thought I'd throw out that little spoiler straight away. We won't win the World Cup, no sir. (Or madam, you feminist bitch.) But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it. I'm currently watching the first game of the tournament, Mexico vs South Africa to be specific. At the moment, the score is 0-0, though by the time I've finished this blog it'll be different. I'll inform you, don't worry. I was going to do this blog, then I forgot and started writing a guide to British newspapers. Silly me, but just so you know what's next week folks. I wanted to write this, in a similar strand to my Champion's League blog a few weeks back, to just make people aware why the World Cup is so great. Sure, we're not going to win. Sure, it'll be painful to watch us lose. But hey, it's the summer! Just enjoy it. Who knows, we might even get to the Semi-Final! And can you hear the noise at the moment? Of course not, you're probably not watching the game right now...and you can't later on when you read this. Messes with your head doesn't it? Seriously though, South Africa have opened the tournament, and by the amount of noise being made, you'd think it was the final! It's actually mental.


This blog isn't going to be vastly long. Partly because I am tired from my Philosophy exam today (which went ok, though I think I fucked up one of the questions, thanks for asking) and also because I want to go out and I need to get ready. Finally of course, there's not a lot to say. I will tell you I predict a Spain/Brazil final...that could be interesting. I think we could, if we play our very best, reach the Semis and I think so will the Netherlands. I want to share the song that is the title of this blog. It gives you false hope but I think for an event like this, hope is all you have. We know deep down that England won't win, but that does not mean we should give up on them. It's the only time when we seem to show our patriotism so let's do it in style dammit! 


 So here it is. The '98 version of the song as that was the year of the World Cup in France, who went on to win. It really is an classic song and I think for once this year...you should believe. 


Three Lions 98

I wish I had more to say, but I don't. Regardless, the World Cup is one tournament that will bring football fans together, and I think almost anyone should try and enjoy it. I realise this sounds just like my Champion's League blog, but then I'm trying to make the same point ok? I'll have a lot more to share with you next week...promise :) I wish those reading luck on their exams (I have to assume it's only my friends who read this, who are currently doing A-Levels.) I only have one exam left, hahaha, that's right I'm a bastard. O, Mexico just scored! Wait, no, it was offside. (How up to date am I?!) 

I am going to cheat by sharing you what appears to be the official advert for this World Cup. I used to find it really annoying but now I think it's pretty cool and the music is good. The point is, there will be a better blog next week...and for now, good luck for the next few weeks (whoever you are) and...come on England. 

Nike World Cup Advert

Now go away and watch it...

Under Pressure

Hello all...I bet you're stressed. Sweat patches forming under those armpits, and you know it isn't the hot weather...? You've got those bastardly exams coming up...and you think you might cry. Many would agree you're 'Under Pressure' HA I AM SO WITTY. Yes, a fantastic David Bowie & Queen song, sadly ruined in the nineties by Vanilla Ice and later on, the song was killed by John and Edward (I refuse to give those tits the satisfaction of pairing their names together in a cool way.) Well, I don't have anything better to do, so I thought I'd write this fantastic cut out guide (don't really try and cut it out...it's on the computer innit' moron) of how to beat stress. That's right, brought to you free by your one and only master of blogging, Mr. James Wallis. Talking of people under stress, this could be an excellent opportunity to make a tasteless joke about the horrific killings that occurred only a few days ago in Whitehaven. I won't though, I'm not a complete monster. I do have to say one thing, I am rather against the groups on facebook dedicated to them. It's a nice sentiment, but I don't really think facebook is the place guys...come on.


Anyway, moving swiftly on. Pressure can cause a lot of harm, physically and emotionally. These top ten tips should hopefully help you get through whatever is stressing you out and make you cool as a whistle. (I don't even think that's a real phrase...bit stupid really.) Be it your job, your relationship (just dump the bitch and give her my number yeah?), or exams, stick with me and you'll make it. O, by the way, for this blog, I will be charging you for reading these tips. Two pound a tip, and an extra three for that marvellous introduction? I think that's fair. If you don't want to pay...stop reading NOW.


Ok here we go, The Wallis Wonder Guide to Surviving Stress *


Number One - Masturbate. Lots.


- You know you love it. Why wouldn't you? It feels great, and releases stress. Don't bother trying to get laid...takes FAR too much effort, just whip out the ol' trouser snake and jerk away. Go on, spank it, pull it, do whatever you want...and guess what? If you do it too much and it begins to hurt, you'll be so worried about it hurting that you'll forget what you were stressing about in the first place! For women out there, well...I didn't this tip would appeal, but feel free to! 


Number Two - Kick people randomly in the balls


- This will give you so much satisfaction. Just one swift kick and you can dance with glee as your victim groans loudly and sinks to the floor in mind numbing pain. If you're really stressed, kick them while they're down...make them cry if necessary. Brilliant. 


On a side note, in the typical debate "Which hurts more, being kicked in the balls or having a baby?" It's the former. Trust me, I've done both and the second one is like a euphoric drug passing through your bloodstream compared to the second.


Number Three - Watch Jeremy Kyle or something similar


- This will satisfy you for two reasons. Firstly, it's a great form of procrastination. And secondly, while watching you'll slowly realise the obvious. Your life may be tough and stress-filled, but at least it's not as bad as these guys. Gonna have to retake your history AS exam and re-learn all about Luther and Calvin? Try having a mum who slept with your boyfriend, WHILE you were pregnant. Stop whining you little girl. 


Number Four - Watch a lot of Disney films


- This one is brilliant for those who like to be blissfully ignorant with their responsibilities. Just sit down, pop in Aladdin and dance and sing away to 'A Friend like Me' (Best Disney song, ever.) You'll be drooling and giggling in no time and you can imagine, if only for an hour and a half, that the world is a magical, colourful place and all your dreams WILL come true. O BOY!


Number Five - Go to Stevenage and stare and laugh at ugly people. 


- This is my favourite by far. I do it ALL the time. I mean, I'm no Brad Pitt, but have you seen the people of Stevenage? God, there's so many of them. Just go along, sit down with a friend or two, and just point and laugh. Eat sandwiches, make it an event on facebook! Go crazy! Just make sure you laugh loudly at them. And the best part? They can't deny it...they'll  just shrug in a melancholic sort of way...and glumly move on with their meaningless lives.


And people say I'm not a good person, five great tips already! If you've read this far, you owe me thirteen pounds :) Carrying on...


Number Six - Do something outrageous, which was clearly you, and insist it was someone else.


- Try something like...taking a big poo right in front of a neighbour in their garden. Then insist it was obviously their cat, despite the fact they watched you with horrified eyes as your rectum opened up and your faeces plopped onto their grass. Too descriptive for you? I could've made it a LOT worse. Anyway, their frustration as you continue to deny it will build and you can happily watch as they reach breaking point. Isn't this fun? 


Number Seven - Cook a delicious meal 


- This one isn't that funny, I'm being serious. Food is not only good for that brain stimulation and can be relaxing and fun! And afterwards, you get to  EAT the food. How brilliant is that? 


Top 3 suggestions 


- Bacon sarnie
- Lemon Cheesecake
- Chicken and Bacon Pie


(For all Vegetarians...stop stressing about the animals and just eat away ;))


Number Eight - Throw eggs at an arch rivals house


- Nothing is more satisfying or thrilling than a night time run with a friend to your arch rival's house...and then throwing eggs. The pleasing sound of the splat as it hits an expensive window or their roofing. If you want to be really wacky, hook up a camera outside their house and film their reaction in the morning. It'll make you laugh so much, you'll have no stress at all!


Number Nine - Go online and aggravate people


- For online gamers, this one. Stop stressing when you die on Call of Duty Modern Poofare 2. Stop complaining if the internet lags and you get shot. DEAL with the stress by hooking up that microphone and taking the sting out of being killed when you were on a streak by openly mocking who killed you. A majority of people online are idiotic, spotty, virgins, so degrading them shouldn't be hard for one as intelligent as yourself right? One of my friend's top things to annoy someone is to insist you are a winner, even if they kill you six times in a row. Watch them cry in frustration. "BU-BU-BUT I KILLED YOU! I'M THE WINN- MOM, THERE MOCKING ME AGAIN!" 


If that doesn't de-stress you, I don't know what will.


Drum roll please....(and a quick reminder, you now owe me twenty one pounds)...


Number Ten - Do what you're meant to...


Whatever you're stressed about, why don't you just do it? It's the easiest way, and then you'll have lots of free time to do the other nine things for your own amusement. I hope you've enjoyed this guide. Overall, it's your stress so DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF. Seriously, try just doing what you're meant to be doing. Stop procrastinating by reading this, I have an excuse, I have to continue typing until I'm done...and done.


Do whatever you have to loser and go away now. 


*Disclaimer : These aren't meant to be taken seriously. Don't prove you're a fool by complaining to me at some of these tasteless  ideas.
** You owe me 23 pounds bitch. You think I'd do this shit for free?