Electioneering

Hello you beautiful bastards of this great nation. I mean all of that sentence sarcastically. Your not beautiful, your ugly. Go on, look in the mirror...eurgh what the fuck is that? Is that meant to be your face? You disgust me. I once did a massive poo in the toilet that smelled and looked better than you. Fuck off and die. 


Now I've completely destroyed your confidence, the next bit of news won't seem so bad. It looks like, despite not winning a majority, Cameron will be our next Prime Minister...and this is why our nation is not great, we fucked up big in the election. GOOD JOB TEAM, we elected in a slimy toss pot. I was going to write about the election last night, and other things political, but even as an interested individual I'm bored so bloody hell you will be! Also, anything I do say won't be that funny or original and I might even cock up analysing what might happen now we've got a hung parliament. All I can say is wait and see folks! It is exciting none the less, last hung Parliament was in 1974, so we're living through a big part of history!


One thing I will say is, I hope you bloody voted...if you didn't don't talk to me ever again please, because basically I don't respect you as a person. Unless you were jogging...
Or you were in a massive queue because the incompetent government didn't sort things out properly... well done there. I am, of course, talking about the controversy with closing the ballots on people who hadn't voted yet had been there since about 9pm, way within the time frame. Look, I don't know what's going to happen, and my opinion on it is divided and I'm too tired to talk about it, maybe some other time (probably never) so for now watch this lovely video about voting. 


This video right here sums up why you should vote, from someone I recently discovered (sort of, too long to explain) Craig Ferguson. He puts it far better than I can, so just watch him yeah? Just a heads up, it's about the election in America...but the points near the end are always valid. BIT LATE NOW THOUGH, but perhaps next time you'll take that hand off your cock and bother signing a bit of paper you twat. I say that because all women are intelligent enough to have definitely voted. That compliment should be enough to get me laid!


If you don't vote, you're a moron


That's all I need to say out the way. If you want any more...how about you check the BBC website you moron. You think I'm going to give you hard facts and good opinions? Hell no. I assumed a hung parliament meant getting male porn stars to run things. Ok, next on the agenda of things to cover is May Ball. It's tonight, I might have fun, it might be shit, the food will be good. I could do a blog tomorrow about it, but essentially I have a strict regime of a Friday only blog and also, I don't care enough. It's a fucking dance, I'm not going to write about that! By the way, I'm not a cynical bastard (well, not completely) I'm as excited as the rest of you, and hope you have a lovely time. 


Last week I said I'd cover MTV Teen Cribs. Now, I can tell your all about to explode with delight at the prospect of my sharp wit ripping this show to shreds. Look, I'll be honest, I don't want to write about it. I thought, when first seeing it, "Oh boy, I can't wait to shit all over this rubbish" as I rubbed my hands together in glee. 


However, I only saw twenty minutes of one episode...and to properly slate the show, I'd need to see a whole lot more. That means I'd have to go through the physical pain of watching that show and might have to gouge my eyes to take away the scaring on my visual sense. And if I did that, all my future blogs would not exist. So I'm not going to write about some jumped up twat who feels the need to show us around their materialistic kingdom of self-worship which is as bad as seeing them kissing themselves all over and moaning "I am so amazing." 


The houses are giant, you envy these people for their lush lifestyles. Reality check, people are dying of poverty and shit (I'm so coherent) so stop giving these bastards air time and start caring yeah? O...and what the fuck is with the blatant scripted dialogue? Are you so wrapped up in your possessions that you forgot how to hold a decent conversation? To quote Fight Club "What you own ends up owning you." Congratulations, you signed your soul to show off what, essentially, is a waste of money. Big fucking deal if you have a cinema, if everyone had that, nobody would use actual cinemas, so people would lose jobs and films would lose their opportunities to be promoted. Nice one you selfish fuckers. MAN, I did not think I could write so much. All of that was off the top of my head, so sorry if it's so incoherent. Just makes me bloody mad is all :) 


Look, I didn't really have a focus for this week's blog. I wrote all the stuff that needed to be said, and as the MTV idea is gone, I didn't have a real idea. I'm saving the Pursuit of Happyness (spelt wrong for a reason) and the one about 'being alone' for some other time, when people aren't so depressed. I was throwing around ideas today, and was thinking of doing one on how shit some kids tv is, yet we have fond memories from childhood, but I've sort of already done that and it would have just been weird to admit I used to watch, and find problems with the following :


- Bernard's Watch (Why was the narration just absurd? Why did he never do bad things, though this was solved because of the postman, who represented Bernard's morality or some shit, like Jiminy Cricket.) 


- The Tweenies (Why were they all the same height? Why did Jake sounding like a baby make him one year younger? Why was Bella never slapped for being a bitch?  Why did I fancy Judy, the Scottish carer?)


- Brum (Why did he always seem never to be really going anywhere and instead would pick up random strangers? Why was nobody shocked by a car driving itself?)


- Come Outside (Why did she always go to see how something was made that she could have just bought? Why did she fly in a plane? Fucking show off. Auntie Mabel is the sole reason for carbon emissions and global warming.) 


- Balamory (Why did they not have a consistent class? Why was Edie McCredie never arrested? Despite that bus being BLATANTLY similar to the child-catchers wagon in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Why did Archie the inventor live in a Castle, inventors don't make money, just look at Dragon's Den!) 


The very fact I used to watch those shows should be amusing enough to you. 


I've written enough, and for those who keep up, the song title is a Radiohead (covered by Easy Star All Stars, who you should check out) about elections in general (see what I did there). There is not enough songs about Prom or MTV Teen Cribs funnily enough. I need to go get ready for tonight's gala. Shouldn't you be getting ready too? Though, what's the point...you're too ugly, nothing can be done for you...in fact, your so ugly you should do something.


Go away.